EASY PEASY LEMON VEASEY...

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...12 VEASEYREAL...1

With the big guns back in their ranks, Massive Nights FC blew away struggling VeaseyReal to stay joint top of the table on Sunday night.

Having given the stiffs a run out last week, Gaffer Will didn't hesitate to throw Nights' superstar duo straight back into action, as 30-goal-a-season striker Andy and soccer bad boy Donaldinho were both available after injury and largin' it respectively, while out-of-form utility man Hutch, the 70s TV detective, also earned a recall.

Out went Bosnian warlord Vito, on a short-term loan to B&Q, while Strictly Come Windy was tiptoeing round the tulips in spandex and fake tan somewhere, and Grandfather of Techno Paul's dreadful luck with injuries went on as he was once again ruled out, this time by a serious facial wound which the veteran midfielder fears could require plastic surgery.

Wounded in battle: Paul's shocking injury (*the graphic nature of this image may disturb some readers)

Subs rebels the brown-booted one and Young Lad completed the line-up, and with The General away at The Bridge with his Chelsea Headhuter cohorts and Will rocked by inaccurate tabloid rumours of his 'dalliance' with the wife of a former team-mate, the 30-goal-a-season chairman took charge of the side.

And the 30-goal-a-season striker led from the front, engineering hat-tricks not only for himself but also for Donaldinho, Will and Young Lad in a feat of goalscoring symmetry unmatched in the modern era. Only Hutch failed to trouble the scorers on another miserable night for the player who in a post-match interview admitted he was heading home to google images of cows' arses and banjos.

Young Lad notched the goal of the game, hammering home from a seemingly impossible angle to complete his treble (video below), while Kit the brown-booted shotstopper had the square root of f*** all to do until a calamitous defensive mix-up between Donaldinho and out-of-form utility man Hutch, who admitted in a post-match interview that he was heading home to google images of barn doors from five yards, allowed Veasey in for their consolation goal.

Gaffer Will was delighted afterwards, admitting that the chairman's role had been key in the victory. "I'm delighted," said the Justin Bieber fan. "We looked like we could be in trouble but the chairman pulled it all together just in time. It's an honour to play for him, and I'm not in the least bit surprised to hear that the Prime Minister has now asked him to help save the country, and the Eurozone, from economic collapse."



The Prime Minister has a good skeg at the Herald Express's new 'Page 3 Girls' feature before asking the chairman to save the country from financial meltdown

  Massive Nights scorers: Andy 3, Donaldinho 3, Tias 3, Will 3

The 'I had a Massive Nightmare' award goes to... The General - going awol in the club's hour of need, when the likes of Paul are prepared to shed blood for the cause.

* Massive Nights face a top-of-the-table showdown with Mean Machine on Sunday (TGGS, 5.30pm ko)