THE WARRIOR WORRIERS...

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...16 TORQUAY WARRIORS...1

Massive Nights surged to the top of the league with a narrow victory over early-eason pacesetters Torquay Warriors on Sunday night.

Despite fielding what was effectively a reserve side, Gaffer Will's troops edged past Warriors in a misfiring display and can consider themselves fortunate to come away with the points.

It was always going to be a struggle for Nights without their 30-goal-a-season striker Andy, who was said to have 'failed a late fitness test'. But with transfer deadline day just around the corner, internet forums were awash with rumours that the in-demand 30-goal-a-season striker could be on his way to the Premiership, with B&Q said to be leading the chase for the 30-goal-a-season striker.

With soccer bad boy Donaldinho also absent after failing to return from a night out sipping Babycham cocktails with Pans People in Tavistock's premier nite-spot, 70s TV detective Hutch on international duy with Wales and Robo-Feas possibly having to eat Yorkie bars while driving big trucks around, Grandfather of Techno Paul was handed a rare start alongside Strictly Come Windy, Young Lad, Bosnian Warlord Vito and the brown-booted one, who all joined Gaffer Will - sporting his new Justin Bieber haircut - in the side.

The General reacts to news that Paul has made the starting six

Nights started slowly and looked unlikely to come out on top until their travelling fans got behind them to create a bit of atmosphere. Buoyed by their fanatic support, and aided by the tactical advice coming from the terraces, Nights got on top with the Grandfather of Techno scuffing in a couple of shabby efforts before the floodgates opened. Young Lad led the charge with six unimpressive efforts, Croatian hitman Vito notched four times, all equally fortunate, Will handballed in a brace and Paul claimed two others that were actually own goals.

On a disappointing evening, the only bright spot for Nights was the performance of Kit the brown-booted shotstopper, whose outstanding skills and concentration levels were a beacon of hope for the whole club.

Mogwon: Kit shows off his ball skills

Despite being bored witless, cold and wet, he sprinkled a bit of stardust on proceedings with some staggering skills - dragbacks, Cruyff turns and double stepovers that would grace a Nike TV advert. If only all Nights players had his dedication and developed their own skills accordingly.

Gaffer Will was delighted with the win, if not the performance. He said: "I'm delighted with the win. I knew we would eventually break then down despite me having to pick from the stiffs. After all, I'm a Belieber.

Delighted: Gaffer Will

"The big guns will be back next week and we won't have to rely on kids and old men. Today was all about the result, and I think it's best to put it behind us and concentrate on next week."

Massive Nights scorers: Tias 6, Paul 4, Vito 4, Will 2

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Donaldinho - last season's joint player of the year (well, second place really) is still to get off the mark this season. Poor show from the Nights playboy.

THESE ARE THE DAYS FOR THE NIGHTS...

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...13 SD FC...6

MASSIVE Nights FC started the new season where they left off with a goals avalanche on their debut outing in the FIFA World Soccer Sixes Championship.

With a full-strength squad to choose from, Gaffer Will was confident of getting off to a good start in the higher league.

But, as ever, pre-match preparations were thrown into chaos when Kit the brown-booted shotstopper failed to arrive at the stadium in time for kick-off after his weekend at Butlines, which meant anorak-clad Bosnian warlord Vito had to don the gloves. 

And what a disaster that turned out to be, with Vito shipping four goals at a rate of one every thirty seconds to leave Nights reeling at 4-1 down.

But Nights fought back as Director of Football and hooligan outfit top boy The General exerted his authority from the technical area to bring some semblance of shape to the side.

Until The General's intervention Nights were in disarray, and 70s TV detective Hutch is likely to face internal disciplinary action after his show of petulance as he was substituted. TV replays showed the Nights star mouthed the words 'well that's not going to ****ing help, is it?' as the fourth official held up his number on the touchline. Club sources suggest he may face a fine and a spell training with the youth team.

But the changes paid off and the title favourites were soon level at 6-6 before taking the lead with one of the two goals of the game from The Chairman, whose Usain Bolt-like burst of pace left SD FC's portly, grey-haired libero - no slouch himself in the sprinting stakes - for dead before he hammered home to give the Nights who are Massive the lead for the first time.

The second half was a different story as Nights got to grips with the different style of play required at Championship level.

Grandfather of Techno Paul rolled back the years to put in a 'Classic Gold' performance, becoming the oldest player since Sir Stanley Matthews to score a hat-trick in competitive football.

SCHMOKIN!: Paul as he was portrayed on a Woodbines cigarette card in 1947 while turning out for Buckland Athletic Thirds

At the other end of the age scale, young lad Tias, who signed YTS forms during the close season after impressing at the back end of the previous campaign after being spotted by The General playing for First Starcross Cub Scouts at a 'Soccer Tots' fun day, put in a stunning performance, notching two stunners.

Hutch, having received the hairdryer treatment from The General, also bagged a brace and could have had a hat-trick had he not come up with the worst miss in the history of the game, somehow screwing the ball wide of the post with the goal at his mercy. He discredited himself.

Robo-Feas's no-nonsense style meant any momentum SD FC built up soon melted away as they had to chase across the other pitch to retrieve the ball after each and every 'clearance', while Gaffer Will and Strictly Come Windy bagged a brace each.

STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE: Donaldinho models his new underarmour

Any doubts over the outcome were washed away when the brown-booted one finally arrived to take over in nets, and he even brought a touch of showbiz to proceedings with some Grobelaar-esque dribbling and passing. Mogwon!

The only downside on the night was soccer bad boy Donaldinho's failure to notch. The ex-Bristol Manor Farm star, who picked up his third consecutive caution for Abbotskerswell on Saturday, put his wayward shooting down to the fact that he was completely sober at kick-off for the first time in weeks.

Gaffer Will was delighted to start life in the Championship with a win, and paid particular praise to Grandfather of Techno Paul , who leads the goalscoring charts after his opening day hat-trick.

"I'm delighted for Paul," said Will. "He's into single figures for the season already, which is great. What made it all the more rewarding is knowing how Paul had to fight back from serious injury just to get out on the park tonight. 

"When you look back at some of the great players whose careers have been tragically cut short by similar injuries, then you look at what Paul has gone through, it's enough to make you proud to be British. 

"That stubbed toe would have finished lesser men for good, but Paul's bulldog spirit brought him through the darkest of times and he got his rewards tonight."

Massive Nights scorers: Paul 3, Andy 2, Will 2, Tias 2, Hutch 2, Vito 2 

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Hutch. Backchatting The General and missing sitters at this level could hand him a one-way ticket back to League 1.