NET LOSS...

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC have been gripped by crisis just two days ahead of their showdown with league leaders LA Gaylaxy after it emerged that first-choice goalkeeper Kit will not be available for Sunday's crunch clash.

The brown-booted shotstopper has been suspended by the club after allegations emerged of a doughnut theft incident in a leading supermarket.

How The Sun reported Kit's indiscretion today

Gaffer Will said the club had acted immediately 'to protect the best interests of Massive Nights FC'.

"We can't have that," said Will. "We expect the highest standards at Massive Nights and Kit has let the club down, let me down and let himself down. He didn't even offer me a bite, the greedy bastard."

Will now faces a race against time to bring in a keeper on an emergency loan ahead of the biggest game in Massive Nights' history.

WAR, HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

FROM humble beginnings, Massive Nights FC is rapidly developing into a global brand with supporters from across the globe logging on to follow the fortunes of football's newest phenomenon.

As the web analytics stats show, we now have two fans in Russia (or possibly one fan who logged on twice, possibly by accident), and one in Germany (which is possibly Franz Beckenbauer, or more likely a lawyer representing Adidas who is concerned that their brand may be contaminated by its association with Massive Nights FC).
However, the most interesting fact about the list of countries above is that it represents the exact final standings of World War II (for the benefit of Will and Massive Nights FC's other Inbetweeners, that's pronounced 'World War Two', not 'World War Eleven').

That's right - we came first, America were runners-up, Russia got the bronze medal and Germany came last. And that has to be a good omen in Massive Nights FC's own battle for title glory... 

HOW WE STAND...

WITH Sunday's crunch clash against table-toppers LA Gaylaxy looming after a tumultuous week within the Massive Nights FC camp, Gaffer Will finally had something to smile about with news that Greavesy's troublesome calf is responding to treatment and he could be ready to return to action this weekend.

Greavesy making more of an effort than Paul to get about the park

Will said: "Obviously it's good news if we can get Greavesy out on the park. Some people say he's the best player in the entire league, but obviously I wouldn't go that far as he's not even the best player at Massive Nights FC. But he's a steady player, to be fair to the lad.

"It gives me a bit of a problem with my team selection if he's fit, but it's a nice problem to have. At least I'll have strength in depth on the bench - so I don't want to see any of that nonsense like what Carlos Tevez did last night, refusing to come on.

"I might give Roberto Mancini a call because of course I had a similar situation when we played E FC and my dad (ageing pin-up Darrell Roberts) was on the bench and he refused to come on. I sorted that out and Dad did play the following week, although to be fair to him he could have cost us the game. So, yeah, Mancini could probably benefit from my experience and us managers should stick together."

Benched 'refusenik' Darrell

The latest results and table are here:

DEEP THROAT...

MORE details have emerged of Sunday's near-disaster against PEN 15 when a weakened Massive Nights FC side almost snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

Sources within the Nights dressing room suggest all is not well behind the scenes with tales of tensions between players, finger-pointing and blame allocation starting to emerge following the scruffy 2-1 win.

The dressing room mole, whose identity I have agreed to protect

One Nights player, whose identity must remain secret, told me: "The ball only kept going out of play because Hannah was running like he was in quicksand. If you had been up front they would have been defence-splitting passes."

Keen to put a stop to the damaging internal bickering, Gaffer Will may well ring the changes on Sunday for the crunch clash with league leaders LA Gaylaxy (TBGS, 6.50pm) where Nights will need pace, power and devastating finishing rather than dodgy stepovers and even dodgier banter.

SO THE BIG MAN IS UNAVAILABLE, AND WHAT HAPPENS???

Sunday, September 25 2011
MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...2 PEN 15...1

WHAT a shambles. What should have been a run-of-the-mill win and a chance to boost Massive Nights' 'goals for' column almost turned to disaster when the title favourites stuttered and staggered before finally fluking a victory over lowly PEN 15.

With playmaker and leading scorer Andy unavailable due to an international call-up and Greavesy gone AWOL, Nights should still have had enough in the tank to fashion a comprehensive win. Yet they almost fluffed it.

Here's Paul's match report, which to be fair to the so-called 'Grandfather of Techno', amounts to little more than a list of excuses...

"The missus said it was OK for Feasby to make his debut this week as long he is back in time to wash up and wipe.  He produced a solid performance in defence who was solid as a rock at times having to defend against 3 players on the attack!!!  It was only the white rubber on the front of his samba that would blind the opposition into falling over.

New signing Feas gets ready to make his debut...

...and wears acceptable Massive Nights FC footwear

Massive nights went into the lead with what can only be described as a replica goal to Brazillian Jarzinio in the 1970s world cup but it was not Jarzinio who broke the Pen 15 net, it was our very own Donaldinio! As he received a perfectly placed ball from the evenings play maker Paul Hannah

Will went missing for half of the game as he was getting wound up by the Pen 15 defence. They were calling him names and making fun of his hair, but will had the last laugh, as he latched onto a through ball by tricky winger Vitto and slid the ball under the legs of the advancing keeper.

A special mention needs to go to this weeks outstanding player, the massive nights Keeper "Kit" however the mention is not for his courageousness, athleticism or unbelievable shot stopping but for those awful brown boots he keeps wearing, "come on Kit, sort your boots out, there letting the side down"

Kit, the safest hands in soccer...

...discredits himself with his unacceptable choice of footwear 

This weeks I had a massive night mare could go to any one of three players.....Darren Feasby for continuing to hit the ball out of play even though no one was injured, Will Roberts for going missing for 20 minutes after his name calling or Vitto for kicking the ball over the fence in the warm up......... It has to go to Vito, Come on Vito get over the ball, did Darrell not teach you anything!"

Paul added: "In fairness, we were always going to struggle without our top goalscorer. I know people say there's no such thing as a one-man team, but in fairness that's pretty much what we are. Hopefully next week will be a different story and we'll all be relieved to see Andy back to lead us and make us look like we know what we're doing."

So there you have it. Like I said, what a shambles...

Massive Nights goalscorers: Donaldinho, Will

The 'I had a massive Night-mare award goes to... Paul, for a GCSE English failure of a match report.

ONE FOR THE LADIES...

Massive Nights FC's very own 'Page Seven Fella...'

EIEIEIO, UP THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE WE GO...

Here's the latest table (still wrong due to the mysterious disappearance of Paul and Will's goals), and results from Sunday.

Assuming we don't become the first team in football history to be promoted having played just two games and sitting in mid-table, I think we're going to win the league...

STEWARDS' INQUIRY...

It's the scandal that's rocked soccer... and it threatens to derail an entire season unless the authorities step in to sort out an unholy mess surrounding the result of Massive Nights FC's clash with Buccaneers on Sunday evening.

Massive Nights came off the pitch happy in the knowledge they had put in a decent performance in beating the Buccs 12-1.

But somehow the result submitted to the league saw Nights docked three goals... and Buccs awarded a second!

Gaffer Will is now understood to be planning an appeal on the grounds that the ref quite clearly can't count and the score was never 9-2, but sources at league headquarters say Nights' pleas may be in vain.

I understand the three goals most likely to be scrubbed from the record books are Will's backheel, on the grounds that there's no need to take the piss, and Paul's double, on the grounds that they were both a bit rubbish.

Paul realises his two-tap-ins will count for nothing...

However, there is a possibility that Paul and Will could be allowed to keep their goals, but only if the records are amended to show Darrell's tally for the season standing at minus-3.

Gaffer Will could not hide his anger at the administrative error that has had a significant impact on Nights' goal difference.

"It's rubbish," he said. "What sort of ref can't count to 12? Good job he's not a baker in real life. Hmmm, or is it 13 they have to count up to? Anyway, it's rubbish."

THE DIRTY DOZEN...

Sunday, September 18 2011

Massive Nights FC… 12

Buccaneers…1

Massive Nights continued their dash for glory in spectacular style, racking up a 12-goal haul against a decent Buccaneers outfit on Sunday.

Nights were out of the blocks like Usain Bolt’s Yorkshire whippet when leading goalscorer Andy, after a triple stepover, a double salko and a single expresso, played in Vito with a pass so perfect it could have split the atom, never mind the Buccs’ back line. Sadly for Vito, he made a right hash of the chance, to be fair to the lad.

Fortunately for his team-mates, Vito’s shambolic effort didn’t deter Andy from selflessly creating more chances for others, and the chairman soon played in Paul for his first goal in a Massive Nights shirt, a long-range effort from all of a foot. I’m not saying the inch-perfect cross was gift-wrapped, but it came covered in stripy paper, with a big bow on it and a label saying ‘unmissable’.

The game also marked the Massive Nights debut of two players – Hull City legend Chris Hargreaves, and Housewives’ Choice Darrell Roberts. Greavesy was by far the pick of the two, justifying gaffer Will’s decision to throw his new signing straight into the starting line-up.

Hargreaves made it a memorable night by notching two debut goals, not volunteering to come off at any stage and not paying his subs. He did, however, get a round in in the boozer after, so fair play to the lad.

Soccer bad boy Donaldinho led the goalscoring charge, whacking in a quality hat-trick – the third being the pick of the bunch - a Bobby Charlton-style screamer, although it had a whiff of toe-poke about it, to be fair.

Will bagged a brace, one a disrespectful backheel for which there was absolutely no need, Vito made amends for his earlier howler with another and even Paul added an unmemorable second.

But the last word went to Andy, who curled in an outrageous Norman Whiteside-esque left-footer to secure the victory. The big man’s strike was so awesome, everyone agreed that it made Whiteside’s 1985 FA Cup Final winner look a bit pub team, to be fair to the jut-jawed Ulsterman.

The only down side on another astonishing day for the Nights was the dodgy debut from veteran stopper Darrell Roberts, who at times appeared to be wearing a pair of Adidas roller skates, to be fair to the ageing pin-up.

Roberts seemed intent on swapping Nights’ close passing game for a more direct approach, going long, high and wide at every opportunity.

In his defence, he plays as he coaches, but the jury is out as to whether whacking the ball aimlessly across the park then shouting ‘To Whom It May Concern’ counts as putting a name on it.

Gaffer Will defended his veteran debutant, despite his shaky start for the Nights.

“I know he’s a bit past it, but he was alright, I thought.” Said Will. “Come on lads, I’ve got to say that or he won’t give me any pocket money and he’ll ground me and I won’t be able to go to youth club disco next week.”

Massive Nights scorers: Donaldinho 3, Andy 2, Paul 2, Greavesy 2, Will 2, Vito 1

The ‘I had a Massive Night-mare award’ goes to… Darrell

GAFFER SWOOPS FOR GREAVESY!

Good to his word, Gaffer Will has pulled off the transfer coup of the century by securing the signature of former Hull City ace Chris Hargreaves.

Hargreaves joins Massive Nights FC on a long-term deal, having negotiated a signing-on fee of three pints of Tribute.

Chris celebrates signing his contract with Massive Nights FC

Hargreaves' switch to the Newton Abbot-based club came as a surprise to his former team-mates, who believed his best days were behind him. I can reveal that more than one of the Torquay United team Chris captained to promotion at Wembley are now seeking to follow in his footsteps and make the move back to the big time with Massive Nights.

Chris's former Gulls clubmates react to the news of his move to Massive Nights

Chris goes straight into the squad for Sunday's clash with Buccaneers FC at TBGS (5.30ko), leaving Gaffer Will facing a tricky selection poser after last week's 8-0 thumping of E.FC.

Sources close to the Massive Nights boss suggest he is planning to pair Hargreaves with in-demand striker Andy, who is into single figures for the season already, in an attacking dream team.

And in an interesting sub-plot, Hargreaves is on collision course with out-of-form veteran goal poacher Paul in a row over squad numbers.

"I play number 14," said Chris. "That's the number I wore when I whacked one in the top corner and lifted a trophy at Wembley, and I'll fight anyone who tries to take number 14 off me.

Chris Hargreaves in his famous number 14 shirt, showing off to some kids

"I heard Paul was wearing 14 last week, but I also heard he had a bit of a Weston-Super-Mare as well, so I'm sure he'll see sense.  I don't give a shiny sh*te if it's his kit, I own a sports shop and I've got loads of kits. So there."

CAPTION COMPETITION...

It's Thursday, and as everyone knows, Thursdays are boring. So it's time for a bit of fun... here's a picture of one of Massive Nights FC's stars - but what is he saying? Leave your answers in the comments section, shiny and glittery prize for the best...

MYSTERY SIGNING...

Gaffer Will made no secret of his displeasure at the standard of finishing (but not from everyone) in last week's win over E.FC and has today stepped into the transfer market.

I can reveal that negotiations are at an advanced stage to bring in an experienced player, but until Will has secured his signature on the dotted line he is unwilling to reveal the identity of his transfer target.

"I can't say too much at this stage," said Will, "but if I can get him I think he'll do a job for us. He's a bit old and knackered but he can't do any worse than Paul last week, so it's fingers crossed."

So who could the mystery man be? Here's a clue...

SUNDAY'S LINE-UP REVEALED!!!

Thanks to a mole deep within the camp (cheers Darrell), I've got my hands on Will's team list for Sunday. He really should take more care with such sensitive information...

...and here's the updated league table (click on it and, as if by magic, it gets bigger)

THREE IS THE MAGIC NUMBER...

Sunday, September 11 2011
MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...8
E.FC...0

Massive Nights' title charge is on after their debut win over pre-match favourites E.FC on Sunday night.

Nights, inheriting just one point and a goal difference of minus-16, moved off the bottom of the Division Two table with a storming performance.

Will made the breakthrough in fortuitous fashion when his wayward effort deflected in off a defender's sizeable arse to give Nights the lead.

Andy's sublime backheel set up Vito for the second, and to be fair to the lad he couldn't really miss, so perfect was the delivery.

The big man then took charge, winning and expertly converting a penalty before adding two more sensational long-range indivdual strikes to basically win the game for Nights single-handedly.

Will and Vito both scuffed in run-of-the-mill efforts to stretch the lead, before Donaldinho tapped in what was actually a bit of a team effort to complete the rout.

On what was a memorable night, the only downside was Paul's comedy performance in front of goal, which Gaffer Will failed to see the funny side of.

"While the rest of us were playing Champagne football out there," said Will, "Hannah was playing Lambrini football. He must have had his banana boots on tonight, and I'll be having words."

The first I HAD A MASSIVE NIGHT-MARE award goes to: Paul