CHRISTMAS CRACKER...

Sunday, December 18 2011
Massive Nights FC...7 E FC...4

Champions Massive Nights FC finished the calendar year with their unbeaten record intact after a win over a much-improved E FC side on Sunday.

As usual, Gaffer Will's invincibles had the 20-goal-a-season chairman to thank for sealing the win as he notched his 27th and 28th goals of the campaign to set a new record for general aceness and accuracy of shooting. He could have had more were it not for the woodwork denying him twice from distance.

With Grandfather of Techno Paul out ruled out after an argument with an Ikea wardrobe, Robo-Feas on domestic duties, and 70s TV detective Hutch and Hollywood heartthrob Scrawny abandoning ship, Tias returned to action eager to pick up a few tips from his more experienced team-mates.

To be honest, there's no point in regaling the full story of the match. You basically know what happened: Bosnian Warlord Vito scuffed a couple in, the 20-goal-a-season Chairman unselfishly presented Will with two unmissable chances, Tias claimed one that probably should have gone to the 20-goal-a-season Chairman, and technical director and hooligan firm top boy The General oozed menace (and tried to start a chant of 'He's soft, he's a southerner' when news of Paul's injury filtered through) from the sidelines.

Brown-booted shot-stopper Kit walked the tightrope between genius and insanity as usual, and soccer bad boy Donaldinho put in a decent shift before heading off to some West End 'nitespot' in his E-Type to swig champagne with Page 3 Girls and light massive Cuban cigars with £50 notes.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finish the year on a high and was looking forward to the Christmas break. "Get down to Comet," he said. "Massive discounts on white goods! This Electrolux fridge-freezer... was £399, now just £299! And great deals on home entertainment! This Samsung 42-inch LED backlit HD-ready television... was £599, now just £475! Interest-free credit available, terms and conditions apply, not valid with any other offer, your home may be at risk if you fail to keep up repayments."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Will 2, Vito 2, Tias 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... As it's the season of peace and goodwill to all men, it seems only right to not dish out the award this week...
..
...
....
.....
......
.......but Bah Humbug, it's got to be Paul... on crutches after stubbing his toe??? It's a good job there's not a war on, that's all I can say.

Anyway, here's a chhhooooonnnn to put you all in a nice, happy (if not necessarily Christmassy) mood. Enjoy!!!

THERE'S A LITTLE 'P' AFTER OUR NAME...

Sunday, December 11 2011
Massive Nights FC...6 Torblaze...3

Massive Nights FC were promoted as champions without even kicking a ball on Sunday night.

LA Gaylaxy's shock 1-0 defeat at the hands of E FC handed the title to the league leaders ahead of their clash with Torblaze.

With the silverware already sealed, Gaffer Will's side once again opened slowly with Robo-Feas's operating system clearly set to a different time zone, and Torblaze stunned the newly-crowned champions by taking an early lead.

But fortunately for Massive Nights, 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was about his game and quickly levelled, winning the ball in midfield to feed Paul, before converting the Grandfather of Techno's wayward shot at the far post.

The 20-goal-a-season chairman completed a quickfire hat-trick with two individual goals in which Paul's inaccurate passing played no role whatsoever, before sealing the win by creating goals for soccer bad boy Donaldinho and Bosnian warlord Vito.

No-one else contributed much, apart from technical director and hooligan outfit top boy The General, who generated an air of menace on the touchline after his 'off' with Brixham United Under 10s' firm earlier in the day.

Nights now look to extend their unbeaten run against E FC on Sunday (TGGS, 5.30pm), and Gaffer Will has once again dipped into the transfer market to bolster his squad with an eye on next season's campaign in the higher division.

In a surprise move, Will swooped for former Libertines frontman Pete Doherty - explaining that he hoped the arrival of the legendary rock n' roll casualty would help Donaldinho find his best form.

Liber-team: The chairman welcomes Pete Doherty to Massive Nights

"Donaldinho is a legend," said the gaffer. "He has a lot of talent, and some say he's almost in George Best's class. But I think sometimes he finds it hard to apply himself and really practice hard. When he's on his game, there's not many who can get near him, but his form in that area has been erratic this season.

Gaffer Will is hoping Pete Doherty will help Donaldinho to return to form and take to the pitch on Sunday complete with Copa Mundials, a beer and a fag 

"I'm hoping having Pete around will help Donaldinho find his mojo again and get him back to top form... after all it's our Christmas party next week and I'm expecting a big performance from both of them."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 3, Vito 2, Donaldinho 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Will - late, grumpy and failing to fight off his dad's post-match banter...

ALRIGHT BAIZE?...

Massive Nights made it a hat-trick of celebrity signings this week by snapping up snooker legend Jimmy White on a pay-as-you-play deal.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finally snag 'The Whirlwind' after chasing him for months.

"Jimmy is a great signing for us," said Will. "We were at the front of the queue to sign him, and he's definitely in the frame for Sunday's game against Torblaze (TGGS, 6.50pm), although he's not the most athletic of lads and he'll probably need a long rest."

The chairman welcomes Jimmy 'The Whirlwind' White to Massive Nights FC

Will added: "I've always been a massive snooker fan - in fact only yesterday I went round to Vito's house for a couple of frames. Unfortunately, he couldn't find any of the red balls so we spent the afternoon potting the brown instead."

PLAYER OF THE MONTH...

Massive Nights FC claimed their first silverware of the season when 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was named FIFA's world player of the month for November.

The chairman scored shitloads of goals and was generally ace throughout the month to claim the honour ahead of Messi, Ronaldo and Hannah.

He was presented with his gong by annoying 'comedian' Michael McIntyre at a glittering awards ceremony in that London last night.

Unfortunately the chairman couldn't stay for long as he had to get back to Shepperton Studios where he is starring in the new James Bond movie.

KIT GOES TO BUTLINS...

Kit goes to Butlins
by: the chairman

NIGHTS' GOLDEN GIRL...

Massive Nights FC have dipped into the transfer market once again to sign Olympic gold medal-winning 400m hurdler Sally Gunnell on a free transfer.

Gaffer Will promised to ring the changes on the back of Sunday's disappointing 15-0 win over Torbay Warriors and he has been true to his word with his second celebrity signing in two days.

GUNN-FIGHT: The chairman welcomes Sally Gunnell to Massive Nights FC

"Sally's a great signing," said Will. "I've heard she made her name at Barcelona in the 1992 season, so she must be good. It wasn't easy to persuade her to come to Massive Nights FC, in fact there were a lot of hurdles to overcome. Reh!"

Gunnell joins ex-Beautiful South songsmith Paul Heaton in the squad for Sunday's clash against Torblaze (TGGS, 6.50pm).

WE LOVE HIM FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR PENCIL CASES...

Massive Nights FC have wasted no time in bolstering their squad after a performance deemed 'completely unacceptable' by Gaffer Will following the 15-0 win over basement boys Torbay Warriors last night (match report to follow).

Making use of the chairman's celebrity contacts, Massive Nights have swooped for former Housemartins and Beautiful South frontman Paul Heaton.

Dotted line: Paul Heaton signs a long-term contract with Massive Nights watched by the chairman

"I thought we were terrible last night," said Will. "We should have had at least 30 and if players aren't going to follow my instructions and get the ball in to our 20-goal-a-season striker Big Andy as per the gameplan, then they'll be out and I'll bring new faces in.

"Paul is a great signing for us. He was a prolific goalscorer for Cavalier Club in the Hull Sunday League - although obviously we've already got a prolific striker so I see him playing in a more defensive role - and he's got a nice line in jackets and bittersweet, twee pop songs so it's certainly 'Happy Hour' for Massive Nights today! Heh!"

AN INTERVIEW WITH KIT THE BROWN-BOOTED SHOTSTOPPER...

Ahead of Sunday's clash with Torbay Warriors (TGGS, 6.50pm ko) Geezers Raving caught up with Massive Nights star and goalkeeping legend Kit the Brown-Booted Shotstopper.

In the first of a series of player profiles. we wanted to give fans an insight into what makes the league's top custodian tick.

Geezers Raving: Hello Kit, what are you up to today?

Kit: Chillin when you get Nasri Ribery Nilmar and Pique in one ultimate team pack

GR: Sounds good. Are you looking forward to Christmas?

K: I haven't got an advent calender based on the fact I'm not a rasclart

GR: We hear you're an animal lover. Is that right?

K: My dogs they don't wear no muzzle, my dogs they just tear through musclee. Pass my zoot

GR: As a role model for young Massive Nights fans, do you pay a lot of attention to the way you look?

K: I like the way my hair has fallen today, its not so much an afro but an orange curly hat

GR: Interesting. Any other fashion observations?

K: Just drove past exeter college, unreasonable amount of baige chinos

GR: How do you deal with the physical demands of training and playing at such a high level?

K: Popper burrr energy drinks at work on a gurny one now

GR: So as a top-class athlete we suppose you have to follow strict nutrition advice and 'refuel' correctly?

K: I love pizza

GR: What's you reaction to the news that Steve Bruce has become the first Premiership manager to be sacked this season?

K: Me and Bruce have created a monster we intend too slay, TWDUP

GR: We understand you are a staunch supporter of our armed forces and paid your own tribute to the fallen on Remembrance Sunday. Is that right?

K: ‎11-11-11, Inheritance Skyrim and a Tribute to the mans who kept our country on a ting, safe safe guys, decent day

GR: Anything you'd like to ask us?

K: Who's this bird everyones talking about and has she got her gammon out? If so why?

* These are all genuine Facebook status updates made by Kit. He's a genius and we love him... 

THERE ARE NO PUNS CONTAINING THE FIGURE 22...

Sunday, November 27, 2011
Massive Nights FC...7 Al Al Alan FC...1

Massive Nights FC maintained their five-point lead at the top of the league with a stunning second-half performance to see off basement side Al Al Alan FC on Sunday night.

Once again, piss-poor pre-match preparation did nothing to help Massive Nights' cause, with the team bus only arriving at TGGS 10 minutes before kick-off, leaving Gaffer Will throwing teacups in frustration at the off-field problems which continuously threaten to detrail his side's title charge.

Will named himself in a the squad, which featured overseas signing Tias, a product of Borussia Munchengladbach's youth system, on the bench in the absence of Clark Gable looky-likey Scrawny and Bosnian Warlord Vito, who had gone pole dancing or summat.

Things went from bad to worse for the Nights who are Massive in the opening stages, when Al Al Alan FC took an early lead, San Marino v England-stylee, when Kit the Brown-Booted Shotstopper suffered another head-in-hands moment to gift the strugglers an unlikely lead.

Nights were soon back on level terms when Will poked in a scruffy equaliser, and only a goalkeeping display of breathtaking and staggering brilliance prevented 20-goal-a-season striker Andy from extending the lead, the chairman hitting the target on a regular basis only to be denied by Al Al Alan FC's world-class glovesman. On any other day, they would have been goals. Everyone said so.

With the half-time scoreline standing at 1-1 and Al Al Alan FC sniffing the chance of an upset, it was time for The General, Massive Nights' technical director and hooligan firm 'top boy', to take charge and subtley tweak the side's set-up

And his experience paid dividends, with Nights a different side after the break, with only Robo-Feas, returning to action in a no-nonsense defensive role, and Grandfather of Techno Paul failing to get on the scoresheet.

Soccer bad boy Donaldinho, 70s crimefighter Hutch and Tias all notched unmemorable efforts before what had been a mundane affair was instantly elevated to classic status when 20-goal-a-season striker Andy bagged his 21st of the season with a quite astonishing finish.

Latching on to Hutch's overhit through-ball down the right channel, and under pressure from the unrushing world-class keeper and two Premiership-quality defenders, the 20-goal-a-season striker conjured an outrageous flick with the outside of his Copa Mundial to steer the ball into the far corner, sparking delirious scenes on the Nights bench and in the crowd.

The 20-goal-a-season chairman's work was not yet done - first he tee'd up Hutch for his second, which he almost contrived to miss by hitting the crossbar and both posts before the ball finally trickled over the line, and then the 20-goal-a-season striker grabbed his 22nd of the campaign, niftily steering in a shot from Tias which was going well wide to complete the rout.

Gaffer Will had mixed emotions after the game. "Obviously I'm pleased with the win," he said, "but I feel sorry for Paul. He was keen to do well tonight against Al Al Alan FC after his loan move to them fell through when they decided he was no better than what they already had. I was a bit surprised at that, because I'd have said he's better than the bloke with the moustache at least.

"And I think anyone would have said after his 40-yard toe-poke last week that he was nailed on for goal of the season, but obviously after 20-goal-a-season striker Andy's worldy tonight, he's not going to win that. But he's a good lad and he'll bounce back.

Robbed: Paul realises he won't be winning goal of the season after all

Will added: "And I have to say I'm a bit disappointed with all the lads this week. We absolutely have to take our chances... and despite the fact that we were on an early kick-off not one person managed to get to the pub afterwards for a pint, which is a very poor show in my book. I'm not happy and I'll be having words."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Hutch 2, Will, Donaldinho, Tias

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Donaldinho - when the leader of Massive Nights' drinking faction crys off the pub, there can be only one winner. Remember lads, 'win draw or lose... we're on the booze!'

VILLAGE PERSON...

It's already been spoken about as a contender for goal of the season, and there's no denying that Paul's toe-poked opener in Sunday's giant-killing against Division One outfit Dan FC was a fine strike (for the ageing midfielder, obviously).

But in their shock at seeing such an amazing goal from the Grandfather of Techno, many Massive Nights FC fans may have missed Paul's extraordinary celebration.

Fortunately, our cameras captured the moment and Gaffer Will was on hand to explain just what was going on.

"As everyone knows, Paul loves his music," said Will. "His favourite pop group is The Village People, and he'd decided that, in honour of the 1970s New York-based concept disco outfit, he would perform the dance moves to their number one hit 'Y.M.C.A' if he scored.

Y.M.C.T: Paul throws his shapes after notching for Massive Nights

"Unfortunately, as Geezers Raving's readers will recall from when he once wrote the match report, he sometimes struggles with his spelling... so suddenly having to remember how to spell and make the shapes of the letters at the same time was all a bit too much for the lad. Looking at the picture, I think he's thrown a rogue X in there, or maybe a T.

"But Paul tells me that The Village People are very popular within the dyslexic community, so I'm sure it was appreciated by them. Hmmm, well it was either the dyslexics or the gays, I can't remember which he said, but Paul seemed happy enough so fair play to him."

TINSELTOWN TALK!

As all Massive Nights FC fans know, Geezers Raving is the best football website on the whole of the internet.

But, to keep up with today's fast-moving media landscape, we've decided we have to broaden our appeal and do something to attract the millions of web users who seek out celebrity tittle-tattle every day.

So we've introduced our new 'Tinseltown Talk' feature, bringing you all the latest showbiz gossip every week, and we're kicking things off with a major exclusive thanks to our superb contacts in the high-powered world of Hollywood.

Geezers Raving can reveal that High School Musical's Zac Effron is to play legendary star of the silver screen Clark Gable in a new biopic of his life.

The story follows Gable's life from his 'frankly my dear, I don't give a damn' highs in 'Gone With The Wind' to his fall from grace, seeing out his days in drunken poverty in Mexico, where he entertained himself by playing 'soccer' for a local side, Club de Futbol Noches Humongos.

Coming to all good movie theatres, and the Alexandra Cinema in Newton Abbot, soon! Don't miss it!!!



Zac Effron



Clark Gable

THE EXTRAORDINARY POSES OF KIT THE BROWN-BOOTED SHOTSTOPPER

As everyone knows, Massive Nights FC boast the best goalkeeper in the league in Kit the brown-booted shotstopper.

But what many fans of the Nights glovesman do not know is that he is a highly-talented mime artist.

Geezers Raving asked Kit to share some of his favourite poses with the official website of Massive Nights FC, and he was happy to oblige.

1). 'Atten-shun!'

"This is one I do when I'm pretending to be in the army," said Kit. "I quite fancy going off to Afghanistan and seeing if I could stop a few of the Taliban's shots! Heh!"

2). 'The Riverdance'

"This is a more technically difficult one I do, but I'm a big fan of Michael Flatley and traditional Irish music so it was well worth all the hours of practice," explained Kit. "It would also come in handy as a curtsy if I ever get invited to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen. Heh! Imagine that!"

TREBLE... 20!!!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 20 2011

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...11  LA GAYLAXY  DAN FC...6

No matter what the football authorities throw at Massive Nights FC, the title favourites showed their ability to triumph in the face of overwhelming adversity on Sunday night.

Expecting to face what had been dubbed a title decider against second-placed LA Gaylaxy, Massive Nights arrived at TGGS to find the goalsposts had been shifted.

In a move clearly designed to unsettle the league leaders, Nights found themselves evicted from their regular home dressing room and forced to adapt to the unfamiliar surroundings of the male changing area.

Already reeling from the absence of hooligan firm top boy and director of football The General, Nights were then told Gaylaxy had declined to fulfil the fixture.

Instead, the Manchester City of the Torquay Soccer Sixes were to line up against Dan FC, currently setting the pace at the foot of the Division One table.

Nights had a strong squad available, missing only Bosnian warlord Vito, the out-of-favour utility man who had been sent out on loan to B&Q following his controversial withdrawal from last week's needle match against PEN 15.

With Robo-Feas directing operations from the technical area, and controversially leaving midfield ace Scrawny on the bench, the signs were already ominous and Nights soon fell 2-0 down.

It took Grandfather of Techno Paul to haul Nights back into the game, toe-poking a 40-yarder into the corner which surprised him as much as it did everyone else.

It soon became apparent that Dan FC had done their homework on Massive Nights and had identified the title favourites' danger man - and set about trying to take leading scorer Andy out of the game.

To his credit, the chairman refused to be riled by the physical assault on him, and in a display of diplomacy that would have been the envy of Henry Kissenger, picked himself up, dusted himself down and congratulated his assailant on a hard but fair challenge before shaking his hand and wishing him the best of luck for the rest of the game.

Unfortunately, the referee and others misinterpreted the Nights hitman's sporting gesture and Robo-Feas bizarrely elected to substitute the big man 'to save him from a blue card'. Unfathomable.

Still bewildered by the course events had taken, the chairman soon returned to action and almost immediately clipped in the equaliser with a stunning volley from 70s crimefighting detective Hutch's cross.

Nights were still up against it as brown-booted shotstopper Kit was in particularly generous mood, allowing Dan FC to score at will.

But soccer bad boy Donaldinho, who in a tribute to the late actor Paul Eddington had come dressed as Jerry out of The Good Life, stepped up to the mark and hit a quick-fire treble as Nights took charge.


Spot the difference: (top) soccer bad boy Donaldinho; and (bottom) Jerry Leadbetter out of The Good Life

The goals continued to fly in after the break, with Andy creating history by becoming the first player in Massive Nights history to score 20 goals in a season, reaching the milestone with two outstanding left-foot strikes to notch his third hat-trick in successive games, a feat previously considered impossible by football experts across the globe.

The other goals came from Paul, with his second of the night, Will, and a Hutch double. They were all run-of-the-mill and warrant no further mention here.

On a evening of overwhelming positives for Massive Nights, the only negative was Scrawny's failure to break his duck in front of goal. His drought goes on.

Gaffer Will was delighted by the giant-killing win, and reserved special praise for his 20-goal-a-season striker.

"Massive Nights players are role models and young kids look up to them, and it's a responsibility my lads take very seriously," said the gaffer.

"So I was delighted to see Andy react in the measured way he did under intense provocation. After all, kids these days are all into WWE and violent video games, so I'd say he acted as the perfect role model there."

Massive Nights scorers... Andy 3, Donaldinho 3, Paul 2, Hutch 2, Will

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Kit, for this (Dan FC's third goal...)





HEAVEN 17...

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 2011
MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...5 PEN 15...2

Massive Nights FC strode clear at the top of the table after seeing off the challenge of PEN 15 on Sunday Night.

A bad-tempered game, which saw two PEN 15 players blue-carded (blue cards, WTF?), was further marred by off-the-field trouble as Massive Nights' hooligan element reared their ugly heads again.

Nights' preparations for the game were rocked when their attempt to finalise a deal for a big-money striker fell through at the 11th hour after a late-night incident in The Railway on Saturday.

With Scrawny away filming in Hollywood and Bosnian warlord Vito feigning injury, Gaffer Will named himself in the squad alongside brown-booted shotstopper Kit, Grandfather of Techno Paul, 70s crimefighting duo Martin and Hutch, soccer bad boy Donaldinho and goal machine Andy, with Robo-Feas and The General directing operations from the technical area.

PEN 15 came into the game on a high, having battered former leaders LA Gaylaxy 11-3 in their previous fixture, but Nights were soon ahead when Donaldinho scuffed in the opener.

But the title favourites were unable to capitalise on their lead due to some strange substitutions, with PEN 15 racing into a 2-1 lead while leading scorer Andy was sidelined.

It was only when the big man returned to action that Nights' fightback began, Andy playing the ball into Paul and converting the overhit return ball with a stunning finish to win the game single-handedly with his 17th of the season.

After that, the remaining Nights goals were just decorations on the cake, Martin shinning in the third before setting up Hutch's fourth from six inches before Will shanked in a flukey fifth, leaving Paul as the only outfield player not to notch.

Off target: Paul realises he has failed to trouble the scorers

The win was sadly sullied by Massive Nights' hooligan element, who brought shame on the league leaders once again.

From behind your fences: Massive Nights' 'top boy' The General taunts the PEN 15 contingent

Gaffer Will was quick to condemn the so-called 'Massive Nights Mental Squad' after the game.

"I can't believe it - once again these hooligans have brought nothing but shame on our club. I mean, PEN 15 only brought three of their firm so I thought The General and Robo-Feas would have run them and taken their end but there wasn't even a proper off, just a bit of verbals.

"We are top of the league and we really need to have a firm to be proud of, not a couple of scarvers wearing Ralph Lauren and Bench tops. It's a shambles and I'll be having words."

Massive Nights scorers: Donaldinho, Andy, Martin, Hutch, Will

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Kit - Big Audio Dynamite were 'kin ace at Glastonbury and you know it

SWEET SIXTEEN...

Sunday, November 6 2011
Massive Nights FC...6 E FC...2

Massive Nights FC stormed to the top of the table with a 6-2 win over E FC on Sunday night.

With leaders LA Gaylaxy slumping to an 11-3 hammering at the hands of PEN 15, Nights' ninth successive victory was enough to propel them to the league summit.

The new leaders received a massive boost before kick-off with news that marquee signing Shawn 'Scrawny' Helley was finally making his debut after successfully negotiating a release from his contract with the missus by cooking chilli and garlic bread on Saturday night.

Gaffer Will opted to name himself in the starting line-up and leave the new recruit on the bench, alongside Kit the brown-booted shotstopper, soccer bad boy Donaldinho, Hutch, leading goalscorer Andy and - in a surprise move - Bosnian warlord Vito, despite the fact that he decided to flout the mandatory Copa Mundial club directive, instead sporting a pair of luminous orange clown boots.

Vito failed to get on the scoresheet after electing to play in clown shoes

E FC, buoyed by last week's 8-4 win over Al Al Alan FC, came with a gameplan and stuck rigidly to it in the early stages, lining up in a 5-0 formation to form a human shield in front of their goal.

Nights had come under fire from Director of Football and hooligan firm top boy The General for being slow out of the blocks in recent weeks, and while the title favourites quickly fell into their stride, the goals didn't flow.

The breakthrough finally came after The General substituted player-manager Gaffer Will, with a call of 'get warmed up son, I'm bringing you off', giving Scrawny the chance to go into Massive Nights action for the first time.

Scrawny watches one of Kit's wayward goal kicks sail over his head

The General's pep talk had the desired effect, and will returned to action with a new sense of purpose, opening the scoring shortly afterwards.

Donaldinho extended the lead by firing home at the back post after Hutch and Will had both cleverly dummied rather than shooting at the open goal, before Nights really kicked into gear as leading goalscorer Andy decided to up the pace, notching twice in quick succession to win the game virtually single-handedly with two stunning long-range efforts from inside the D.

With Nights pouring forward in a rush for personal glory despite already having a guaranteed supply of goals from their leading scorer, E FC exploited the non-existent defensive line and managed to pull the score back to 4-2.

Donaldinho settled any nerves Nights may have had with his second of the night, latching on to Will's backheel, which was so cheeky it could have been the third member of the Cheeky Girls, before finding the corner of the net.

But anything Will and Donaldinho could do, Andy and Scrawny showed they could with more style and class, repeating the backheel-outstanding finish combo moments later. The goal gave Andy back-to-back hat-tricks and took his tally to 16 for the season, making Donaldinho's goal look a bit pub league, to be fair to the scourge of South Devon referees.

There was still time time for Kit to pull off the save of the century after Will had hand-balled in the area, leaving Massive Nights in their rightful place at the top of the league.

Better than Banks - Kit pulls off a remarkable save from an E FC spot kick

The General was in buoyant mood after the match, heaping praise on Donaldinho's contribution to the cause.

"He's a good lad, and he made a massive contribution tonight." said The General. "I was a bit worried as Paul was ruled out, and I thought we'd really miss what he brings to the team.

"But Donaldinho managed to get his hands on that new black kit, so it all turned out well in the end."

Massive Nights FC scorers: Andy 3, Donaldinho 2, Will

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Vito - orange boots might go down well on the streets of Srebrenica, but there's no place for them at Massive Nights.

LUCKY FOR SOME...

Sunday, October 30, 2011

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC..8 BUCCANEERS...1

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC kept up the pressure on league leaders LA Gaylaxy with a regulation win over Buccaneers on Sunday.

But once again the victory was marred by off-the-field shenanigans with Gaffer Will left seething after his 'marquee' signing Scrawny failed to show in time for kick-off.

With Martin also going AWOL, Robo-Feas on kindergarten duties and Greavesey still waiting for the photographer to turn up, Paul made an immediate return to the starting line-up after opting to stay and fight for his place rather than go out on loan to Al Al Alan FC.

Will also returned to action after his school trip to Crealy, with brown-booted keeper Kit, soccer bad boy Donaldinho, Bosnian warlord Vito and leading goalscorer Andy completing the roster.

In the style of Muhammad Ali, the chairman had confidently predicted pre-match that he would score a hat-trick, and he was out of the blocks early doors with a sensational left-foot finish from Paul's overhit cross.

The goal was likened to the kind of strike regularly seen from Premiership legend Louis Saha, but to be fair to the former Fulham and Man Utd hitman, it made his efforts look a bit Sunday League, to be fair.

Nights were soon 2-0 up when Andy grabbed his second, expertly finishing from six inches out after playing a one-two with Vito. We've all seen those missed, but the big man made it look easy.

Buccs pulled one back when Andy was left with no defensive cover despite his heroic efforts to deny the opposition striker, who squeezed the ball past Kit, who was still reeling from his disastrous debut for Abbotskerswell Reserves the previous day.

Nights pulled away in the second period, with Vito, Donaldinho and Paul all scoring sensational individual efforts and Hutch coming off the bench to bag a brace before Andy hammered in his third - and 13th of the season - to win the game single handedly.

Gaffer Will was in subdued mood after the win, which keeps Massive Nights in second place.

Scrawny with his High Scool Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens

"I've got some good and bad news," he said. "The bad news is that Scrawny has let us down badly. He was all due to make his debut, then he got a call from Hollywood asking him to go over there and make High School Musical 4 and his head was turned. I'll be having words.

Gaffer Will loved the adrenaline rush of the school trip

"The good news is my school trip was ace. There was this ride you could go on with little cars and fire engines and motorbikes and stuff, and it went round and it was great because every so often you could wave to your mum and dad as you went past. You could even ring the bell as well, it was brilliant!".

Massive Nights FC scorers: Andy 3, Hutch 2, Paul, Don, Vito

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Darrell, for substituting the team's leading scorer which prompted chants of 'you don't know what you're doing' from the Massive Nights fanbase.

ONE IN, ONE OUT???

Gaffer Will today unveiled Massive Nights FC's new signing Shawn 'Scrawny' Helley, describing him as 'the final piece of the jigsaw'.

Helley goes straight into the squad for Sunday's clash with relegation-haunted Buccaneers (TGGS, 5.3opm ko), with Will facing a tricky selection dilemma thanks to his wealth of riches in the dressing room.

"Scrawny is a top, top signing," said Will. "I sent a couple of scouts over to Wattsies last Saturday to watch him and they came back with glowing reports. They said he spent most of the game ambling about inside the centre circle, pointing a lot and doing a lot of grinning, and that's exactly what Massive Nights FC needs.

Scraw draw: Helley could make his Massive Nights debut this weekend

"I'm tempted to throw him straight into the starting line-up on Sunday - Martin and Hutch bedded in straight away last week and there's no reason why Scrawny can't do the same.

"But I can only pick six outfield players, so it's a problem - but a nice problem to have."

Will could have to leave three Massive Nights stars on the bench on Sunday, although there may be some outbound transfer activity ahead of the weekend.

"I think everyone is fit and available - fortunately none of Paul's grazed limbs had to be amputated in the end, but it's going to be hard for him to force his way back in after such a good win last week.

Loan arranger: Paul can't hide his delight at the prospect of a move to Al Al Alan FC

"At this stage of his career he really needs to be playing first-team football so we might have to get him out on loan. There's a couple of Division Three sides who have shown an interest, and bottom-of-the-table Al Al Alan FC quite fancy him, so we'll see what happens there."

IT'S A HELL-EY OF A SIGNING...

Massive Nights FC's title push received a massive boost today with news that Gaffer Will has pulled off his biggest transfer coup yet to strengthen the side ahead of Sunday's clash with strugglers Buccaneers (TGGS, 5.30pm ko).

Will refused to confim the identity of Nights' newest recruit, saying only it was a 'marquee signing' which would confirm the club's ambitions to storm to their first trophy.

So who will be pulling on the famous Massive Nights shirt this Sunday. Geezers Raving is not at liberty to confirm the name just yet, but why not try this quiz in the meantime...

Is it: A) Peter Crouch?

B) Zac Efron?

C) A giraffe?

D) A mysterious midfield maestro?

THE BEAST OF THE BALKANS...

Sunday, October 21
Massive Nights FC...5
Torbay Blues...2

Dream debuts from Massive Nights FC's two new signings helped the title favourites maintain their unbeaten record with a 5-2 win over Torbay Blues on Sunday night.

Gaffer Will's transfer coup paid an immediate return as new boy Hutch exploded onto the Massive Nights scene with two well-taken goals, and his mate Martin adding some much-needed solidity to the side.


Hutch and Martin call Gaffer Will on an old-fashioned phone to tell him they will be signing for Massive Nights... and can barely hide their delight

Both went straight into the starting line up, which saw brown-booted shotstopper Kit the Kat returning to action after a nasty run-in with Bristol City's notorious CSF firm last weekend, with Bosnian midfielder Vito, soccer bad boy Donaldinho and leading goalscorer Andy completing the line-up.

Out went Grandfather of Techno Paul, his skin grafts still settling down, utility man Robo-Feas, and Gaffer Will, who had gone on a school trip to Crealy or something, leaving The General to mastermind events fom the technical area.

Nights were slow out of the blocks and for the third game in succession fell behind to an early goal.



But the orange-shirted Blues' lead did not last long, with Vito grabbing an equaliser before Andy scored the goal of the game, coolly slotting past the onrushing keeper with a finish that made Jorge Burruchaga's winner for Argentina in the 1986 World Cup final look a bit pub team, to be fair.

Although Blues grabbed a second, Vito stretched Nights' lead before Hutch got in on the act with two unstoppable strikes to complete the scoring before the first half was out.

Martin and Hutch celebrate Hutch's first goal for Massive Nights

The second period saw Nights happy to contain their opponents without breaking sweat, largely thanks to Kit's safe hands.

Sadly the victory was marred by a distasteful incident involving Macedonian midfielder Vito, who became the first Massive Nights player to be red-carded during a game for an alleged elbowing incident and could now face a lengthy spell on the sidelines.

With Gaffer Will away at the funfair, The General handled the post-match press duties and refused to defend Vito following his sending off.

"He's nuts," said Nights' director of football and hooligan firm top boy. "But he's from that Yugoslavia and they're all nuts over there, always starting wars with each other and that. It was all called Yugoslavia then they started making up all these different countries just so they could have wars with each other, but that's just how they are so you have to accept it. 

Vito and his supporters arrive at FA headquarters for his disciplinary hearing this morning

 "But I'm very disappointed with Vito, and I've told him that. His elbow attempt was rubbish - what he should have done was gone and found their top boy then tried to grab him and force his head down so he can get his knee up right in his face, smash him up a bit and that. That's what I'd have done anyway."

Massive Nights FC scorers: Vito 2, Hutch 2, Andy

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Gaffer Will, for going to Alton Towers despite being over the age of 13

WOUNDED IN BATTLE, WE SALUTE THE FALLEN...

There's no let-up for title favourites Massive Nights FC as they face another tough test on Sunday (TBGS, 6.50pm) against third-placed side Torbay Blues (who play in orange).

Gaffer Will, who let rip at last week's shambolic preparations ahead of the hard-fought win over ABCDE FC, has turned his threats into action by stepping into the transfer market to make two new mystery signings.

"I'm not willing to reveal their identities just yet," said Will, "but they're both quiet lads who I know like an early night and I can't see them causing me any bother at all - not like some of the players I have now, who would give George Best, Oliver Reed and Al Pacino in Scarface combined a run for their money.

"No, these lads are true, clean living pros who lead a honest-to-goodness lifestyle and know how to prepare for big games like this."

Both could go straight into the side for Sunday's game, with Will unable to call on two of his first-choice players. Greavesy is still waiting for the pictures to be taken of the Exeter youth squad and Paul is still applying Germoline and Mr Men elastoplasts to the grazes he picked up last week.

"It's disappointing but Paul's not going to make it," said Will. "But he shed blood for the Massive Nights cause, and there's no greater sacrifice than that. He put his body on the line for this team - some of his wounds were so severe that the TCP ointment almost had to come out - and people should remember that. He's been left with a couple of nasty wounds that may even turn into unsightly scabs, so we need to monitor the situation closely."

You can find last week's results here:

...and the updated table here:

NIGHTS STAR IN TEXT SEX SCANDAL!

Massive Nights FC were plunged into a fresh crisis yesterday after it emerged one of the club's stars was engulfed in a sordid sex scandal.

Details emerged after the player, a regular in the title-chasing side, accidentally sent a steamy text intended for his latest squeeze to a team-mate.

The message read: "Morning babe. I hope you slept well and had sweet dreams. I'm sorry about last night. Are we seeing each other today? Love you xx."

Quickly realising his catastrophic error, the player immediately sent a second message, which read: "Wrong person, sorry mate, ha."

A source within the Massive Nights dressing room said speculation was rife within the club as to who the intended recipient of the original message was, and just how it came to be sent to a fellow player instead.

Text appeal: The Massive Nights FC ladies team, who have not been engulfed by text-sex scandal

The Nights insider said: "Everyone is talking about it. It's just amazing, but it's the sort of thing that can happen if, for instance, you've just got a new phone and it's a bit shit and doesn't work right.

"Everyone's wondering exactly what he was apologising for having done, or not done, 'last night' and the speculation is rife as you'd imagine.

"The player concerned is now wishing he'd got an iPhone instead of one of them fake Samsung ones, then none of this would have happened. He's really gutted."

Gaffer Will was unavailable for comment.

A SCRAPPY WIN...

Sunday October 16

Massive Nights FC...5 ABCDE FC...3

Massive Nights fought their way to another victory to stay hot on the heels of league leaders LA Gaylaxy in a bad-tempered affair at TBGS on Sunday.

The lack of professionalism that has dogged Nights in recent weeks raised its ugly head again on matchday, leaving Gaffer Will exasperated with his 'spoilt' players and disorganised backroom operation.

Will was forced to abandon his detailed match planning when Kit the brown-booted keeper and Callum withdrew from the squad, then Greavesy re-opened his contract dispute and went AWOL.

Raiding the reserves to call up Robo-Feas, Will cobbled together a team he felt were capable of taking the points only for another disaster to befall Nights when the team coach was late leaving the pre-match hotel, meaning the players had to get changed on the bus, Will was unable to deliver his extensive tactical briefing and the squad was unable to perform their normal extensive warm-up routine.

That shocking preparation soon showed on the pitch when Nights fell behind to an early goal, and even though Will - leading from the front - notched a scruffy equaliser and Grandfather of Techno Paul added a second from his traditional six inches, Nights were way off their normal pace.

ABCDE FC were soon level, and it took Croatian import Vito to reassert Nights' lead, only for the title favourites to be pegged back again.

Homo and away: Paul's Massive Nights team bus

With the game in the balance, Nights were in desperate need of inspiration, and they knew where to find it. In a selfless display of generosity and teamwork, leading scorer Andy, the Lord Mayor-ea of the penalty area, chose to sacrifice his own lust for goals in order to provide opportunities for others - poacher turned playmaker-stylee.

By bamboozling the ABCDE defence with his stealth-like movement and laser-precision passing, the big striker carved open opportunities first for soccer bad boy Donaldinho and then Will to finally secure the points.

As the game slipped away from ABCDE FC, matters threatened to boil over on the pitch. But with shadowy hooligan kingpin The General watching on clearly hoping to spread the trouble to the terraces, peacemaker Andy managed to calm things down before they got out of hand.

Gaffer Will was relieved to have claimed the points despite a below-par performance from Nights, but he was less than impressed with events prior to kick-off.

"I can't believe this sort of thing is allowed to happen," he said. "We're trying to focus on our preparations, to give ourselves every opportunity to win the game, then the bus is late arriving.

"It's almost unbelievable. And even worse, when it does arrive it's a really gay bus. I'd just like everyone to remember that we are called Massive Nights FC, not Massive Puffs FC. I'm not happy and I'll be having words."

Massive Nights scorers: Will 2, Paul, Vito, Donaldinho

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Gaffer Will. He knows why...