ONE IN, ONE OUT???

Gaffer Will today unveiled Massive Nights FC's new signing Shawn 'Scrawny' Helley, describing him as 'the final piece of the jigsaw'.

Helley goes straight into the squad for Sunday's clash with relegation-haunted Buccaneers (TGGS, 5.3opm ko), with Will facing a tricky selection dilemma thanks to his wealth of riches in the dressing room.

"Scrawny is a top, top signing," said Will. "I sent a couple of scouts over to Wattsies last Saturday to watch him and they came back with glowing reports. They said he spent most of the game ambling about inside the centre circle, pointing a lot and doing a lot of grinning, and that's exactly what Massive Nights FC needs.

Scraw draw: Helley could make his Massive Nights debut this weekend

"I'm tempted to throw him straight into the starting line-up on Sunday - Martin and Hutch bedded in straight away last week and there's no reason why Scrawny can't do the same.

"But I can only pick six outfield players, so it's a problem - but a nice problem to have."

Will could have to leave three Massive Nights stars on the bench on Sunday, although there may be some outbound transfer activity ahead of the weekend.

"I think everyone is fit and available - fortunately none of Paul's grazed limbs had to be amputated in the end, but it's going to be hard for him to force his way back in after such a good win last week.

Loan arranger: Paul can't hide his delight at the prospect of a move to Al Al Alan FC

"At this stage of his career he really needs to be playing first-team football so we might have to get him out on loan. There's a couple of Division Three sides who have shown an interest, and bottom-of-the-table Al Al Alan FC quite fancy him, so we'll see what happens there."

IT'S A HELL-EY OF A SIGNING...

Massive Nights FC's title push received a massive boost today with news that Gaffer Will has pulled off his biggest transfer coup yet to strengthen the side ahead of Sunday's clash with strugglers Buccaneers (TGGS, 5.30pm ko).

Will refused to confim the identity of Nights' newest recruit, saying only it was a 'marquee signing' which would confirm the club's ambitions to storm to their first trophy.

So who will be pulling on the famous Massive Nights shirt this Sunday. Geezers Raving is not at liberty to confirm the name just yet, but why not try this quiz in the meantime...

Is it: A) Peter Crouch?

B) Zac Efron?

C) A giraffe?

D) A mysterious midfield maestro?

THE BEAST OF THE BALKANS...

Sunday, October 21
Massive Nights FC...5
Torbay Blues...2

Dream debuts from Massive Nights FC's two new signings helped the title favourites maintain their unbeaten record with a 5-2 win over Torbay Blues on Sunday night.

Gaffer Will's transfer coup paid an immediate return as new boy Hutch exploded onto the Massive Nights scene with two well-taken goals, and his mate Martin adding some much-needed solidity to the side.


Hutch and Martin call Gaffer Will on an old-fashioned phone to tell him they will be signing for Massive Nights... and can barely hide their delight

Both went straight into the starting line up, which saw brown-booted shotstopper Kit the Kat returning to action after a nasty run-in with Bristol City's notorious CSF firm last weekend, with Bosnian midfielder Vito, soccer bad boy Donaldinho and leading goalscorer Andy completing the line-up.

Out went Grandfather of Techno Paul, his skin grafts still settling down, utility man Robo-Feas, and Gaffer Will, who had gone on a school trip to Crealy or something, leaving The General to mastermind events fom the technical area.

Nights were slow out of the blocks and for the third game in succession fell behind to an early goal.



But the orange-shirted Blues' lead did not last long, with Vito grabbing an equaliser before Andy scored the goal of the game, coolly slotting past the onrushing keeper with a finish that made Jorge Burruchaga's winner for Argentina in the 1986 World Cup final look a bit pub team, to be fair.

Although Blues grabbed a second, Vito stretched Nights' lead before Hutch got in on the act with two unstoppable strikes to complete the scoring before the first half was out.

Martin and Hutch celebrate Hutch's first goal for Massive Nights

The second period saw Nights happy to contain their opponents without breaking sweat, largely thanks to Kit's safe hands.

Sadly the victory was marred by a distasteful incident involving Macedonian midfielder Vito, who became the first Massive Nights player to be red-carded during a game for an alleged elbowing incident and could now face a lengthy spell on the sidelines.

With Gaffer Will away at the funfair, The General handled the post-match press duties and refused to defend Vito following his sending off.

"He's nuts," said Nights' director of football and hooligan firm top boy. "But he's from that Yugoslavia and they're all nuts over there, always starting wars with each other and that. It was all called Yugoslavia then they started making up all these different countries just so they could have wars with each other, but that's just how they are so you have to accept it. 

Vito and his supporters arrive at FA headquarters for his disciplinary hearing this morning

 "But I'm very disappointed with Vito, and I've told him that. His elbow attempt was rubbish - what he should have done was gone and found their top boy then tried to grab him and force his head down so he can get his knee up right in his face, smash him up a bit and that. That's what I'd have done anyway."

Massive Nights FC scorers: Vito 2, Hutch 2, Andy

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Gaffer Will, for going to Alton Towers despite being over the age of 13

WOUNDED IN BATTLE, WE SALUTE THE FALLEN...

There's no let-up for title favourites Massive Nights FC as they face another tough test on Sunday (TBGS, 6.50pm) against third-placed side Torbay Blues (who play in orange).

Gaffer Will, who let rip at last week's shambolic preparations ahead of the hard-fought win over ABCDE FC, has turned his threats into action by stepping into the transfer market to make two new mystery signings.

"I'm not willing to reveal their identities just yet," said Will, "but they're both quiet lads who I know like an early night and I can't see them causing me any bother at all - not like some of the players I have now, who would give George Best, Oliver Reed and Al Pacino in Scarface combined a run for their money.

"No, these lads are true, clean living pros who lead a honest-to-goodness lifestyle and know how to prepare for big games like this."

Both could go straight into the side for Sunday's game, with Will unable to call on two of his first-choice players. Greavesy is still waiting for the pictures to be taken of the Exeter youth squad and Paul is still applying Germoline and Mr Men elastoplasts to the grazes he picked up last week.

"It's disappointing but Paul's not going to make it," said Will. "But he shed blood for the Massive Nights cause, and there's no greater sacrifice than that. He put his body on the line for this team - some of his wounds were so severe that the TCP ointment almost had to come out - and people should remember that. He's been left with a couple of nasty wounds that may even turn into unsightly scabs, so we need to monitor the situation closely."

You can find last week's results here:

...and the updated table here:

NIGHTS STAR IN TEXT SEX SCANDAL!

Massive Nights FC were plunged into a fresh crisis yesterday after it emerged one of the club's stars was engulfed in a sordid sex scandal.

Details emerged after the player, a regular in the title-chasing side, accidentally sent a steamy text intended for his latest squeeze to a team-mate.

The message read: "Morning babe. I hope you slept well and had sweet dreams. I'm sorry about last night. Are we seeing each other today? Love you xx."

Quickly realising his catastrophic error, the player immediately sent a second message, which read: "Wrong person, sorry mate, ha."

A source within the Massive Nights dressing room said speculation was rife within the club as to who the intended recipient of the original message was, and just how it came to be sent to a fellow player instead.

Text appeal: The Massive Nights FC ladies team, who have not been engulfed by text-sex scandal

The Nights insider said: "Everyone is talking about it. It's just amazing, but it's the sort of thing that can happen if, for instance, you've just got a new phone and it's a bit shit and doesn't work right.

"Everyone's wondering exactly what he was apologising for having done, or not done, 'last night' and the speculation is rife as you'd imagine.

"The player concerned is now wishing he'd got an iPhone instead of one of them fake Samsung ones, then none of this would have happened. He's really gutted."

Gaffer Will was unavailable for comment.

A SCRAPPY WIN...

Sunday October 16

Massive Nights FC...5 ABCDE FC...3

Massive Nights fought their way to another victory to stay hot on the heels of league leaders LA Gaylaxy in a bad-tempered affair at TBGS on Sunday.

The lack of professionalism that has dogged Nights in recent weeks raised its ugly head again on matchday, leaving Gaffer Will exasperated with his 'spoilt' players and disorganised backroom operation.

Will was forced to abandon his detailed match planning when Kit the brown-booted keeper and Callum withdrew from the squad, then Greavesy re-opened his contract dispute and went AWOL.

Raiding the reserves to call up Robo-Feas, Will cobbled together a team he felt were capable of taking the points only for another disaster to befall Nights when the team coach was late leaving the pre-match hotel, meaning the players had to get changed on the bus, Will was unable to deliver his extensive tactical briefing and the squad was unable to perform their normal extensive warm-up routine.

That shocking preparation soon showed on the pitch when Nights fell behind to an early goal, and even though Will - leading from the front - notched a scruffy equaliser and Grandfather of Techno Paul added a second from his traditional six inches, Nights were way off their normal pace.

ABCDE FC were soon level, and it took Croatian import Vito to reassert Nights' lead, only for the title favourites to be pegged back again.

Homo and away: Paul's Massive Nights team bus

With the game in the balance, Nights were in desperate need of inspiration, and they knew where to find it. In a selfless display of generosity and teamwork, leading scorer Andy, the Lord Mayor-ea of the penalty area, chose to sacrifice his own lust for goals in order to provide opportunities for others - poacher turned playmaker-stylee.

By bamboozling the ABCDE defence with his stealth-like movement and laser-precision passing, the big striker carved open opportunities first for soccer bad boy Donaldinho and then Will to finally secure the points.

As the game slipped away from ABCDE FC, matters threatened to boil over on the pitch. But with shadowy hooligan kingpin The General watching on clearly hoping to spread the trouble to the terraces, peacemaker Andy managed to calm things down before they got out of hand.

Gaffer Will was relieved to have claimed the points despite a below-par performance from Nights, but he was less than impressed with events prior to kick-off.

"I can't believe this sort of thing is allowed to happen," he said. "We're trying to focus on our preparations, to give ourselves every opportunity to win the game, then the bus is late arriving.

"It's almost unbelievable. And even worse, when it does arrive it's a really gay bus. I'd just like everyone to remember that we are called Massive Nights FC, not Massive Puffs FC. I'm not happy and I'll be having words."

Massive Nights scorers: Will 2, Paul, Vito, Donaldinho

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Gaffer Will. He knows why...

IT'S NOT CURTAINS FOR GREAVESY...

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC could be handed a massive boost ahead of Sunday's clash with ABCDE FC (TBGS, 6.10pm) after rumours surfaced that star signing Greavesy had settled his contract dispute with the club and is set to return to action.

After falling out with Gaffer Will over non-payment of subs and a failed trial with Plymouth Argyle Legends, the midfield ace is back in the fold.

The Hair Care Bunch: Greavesy could be back in the Massive Nights squad

While Will was unwilling to confirm or deny the rumours, he said: "If Greavesy has got his head sorted then he's welcome to come back. He knows he's a squad player here, but hopefully we'll get him on at some point, maybe in the Johnstones Paint Trophy or something."

YOU GET NOWT FOR COMING SECOND...

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC go into Sunday's tough assignment against ABCDE FC (TBGS, 6.10pm) looking to keep the pressure on league leaders LA Gaylaxy.

Gaffer Will could have an embarrassment of riches this weekend, with Vito and Callum set to return to action for the Manchester City of the Torquay Soccer Sixes league.

With Grandfather of Techno Paul and soccer bad boy Donaldinho both confident of shaking off niggles, and Robo-Feas hopeful of securing a release from domestic duties, second-placed Nights are in good shape going into the game.

Gaffer Will said the mood in the camp was 'bubbling'.

"The lads are up for the game," said Will. "I had a bit of an issue with Paul to sort out today, but that's all done and dusted now.

"He felt he'd been really playing well, and he'd heard some scouts had come to watch him last week. Obviously he got a couple of good goals and I think he was hopeful that his agent would be getting a call from one of the big Premiership sides - after all, he's not cup-tied for the Champions League or anything.

"But it turned out that he'd got the wrong end of the stick, and the 'scouts' were actually from the First Torbay Blue Woggles, who were on bob-a-job week and wanted him to sign off their laundry badges."

Here's the latest results:

...and the updated league table:

KIT THE KAT'S SPOT-KICK SHOCKER!

IT SEEMED for a while that brown-booted keeper Kit had had a lucky escape with his penalty shame in the closing stages of Sunday's win over Al Al Alan FC.

Kit's team-mates looked on in shock and astonishment as the glovesman stepped up to take the spot-kick, only to record an epic fail.

It appeared that the TV cameras had somehow missed the incident, but Geezers Raving was able to track down the footage so the world can see the staggering ineptitude on display. Watch and learn kids, watch and learn...

THE GREAT ESCAPE...

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...6
AL AL ALAN FC...2

IT WILL go down in the history books as one of the greatest sporting comebacks of all time.

Botham's Ashes and Liverpool's 'Miracle of Istanbul' have nothing on Massive Nights FC's stunning turnaround in last night's clash with the plucky minnows of Al Al Alan FC.

In what is becoming something of a repetitive theme within the camp, off-the-field indiscipline almost derailed Massive Nights title charge with Gaffer Will once again able to name only six players in his matchday squad.

With contract rebel Greavesy fluttering his eyelids at various other suitors, Darrell having gorged himself on too much Sunday lunch, Big Callum being overawed by the challenge of lacing his Copas in the same dressing room as the Nights' long list of legends and Vito having gone down with a nasty bout of diahorae, diarrhoa, diarrea the shits, Will was forced to put in a late call-up to Feas in order to fulfil the fixture.

Paul and Kit, having been busted out of chokey after his doughnut thievery exploits, returned to the starting line-up, with soccer bad boy Donaldinho and in-form hotshot Andy completing the Nights' roster.

It was a real David v Goliath fixture as the Massive Nights stars lined up against Al Al Alan, and incredibly, with shades of the infamous San Marino v England game, Al Al Alan took the lead after a rare error from Kit, the brown-booted keeper.

Grandfather of Techno Paul soon restored order to events with a well-taken equaliser, but Al Al Alan shocked the footballing world by going in front again after an unusually slapstick piece of defending from the normally rock-solid Donaldinho, who was struggling with a severe neck injury, to be fair to the foul and abusive language red card specialist.

Donaldinho played through the pain barrier

With Feas ignoring tactical instructions and forcing Nights into a new long-ball approach, the title favourites were struggling and found themselves 2-1 down at the break - having never trailed at any stage of a game beforehand.

But it's at time like these that winners show their true colours, and the second half was a different story. First Donaldinho slammed home an equaliser then Nights grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck with Andy scoring a quickfire double to put Nights out of sight.

Unusually for the big man, while Paul and Donaldinho had scored picture-book goals, Andy's two strikes were somewhat scruffy efforts in comparison to his standard spectacular, end-of-season highlight video efforts.

Heh, not really! The first was a stunning left foot screamer, the second an inch-perfect right-footer drilled low and hard past the Al Al Alan keeper, reminiscent of Gary Lineker in his England pomp, giving Nights' very own 'Ayatollah of the Golden Goal-ah' his eighth and ninth of the season.

With the game all-but won, Donadinho grabbed a second with a left-foot screamer before Paul wrapped things up with a stunning strike inside the near post.

Nights had the chance to add a seventh from the penalty spot after Feas took a dramatic tumble in the box under an innocuous challenge from the Al Al Alan keeper.

Feas takes a tumble in the box and is rewarded with a spot-kick

Surprisingly, with spot-kick specialist (100% record) Andy on a hat-trick, keeper Kit grabbed the ball and shaped to take the penalty, but the glovesman's brown boot produced an effort so bad even Chris Waddle at Italia 90 would have pissed himself laughing at, leaving the final score 6-2.

Gaffer Will was in subdued mood after the game, and said he had ordered a disciplinary crackdown on his players.

"I'm pleased with the character the lads showed tonight, but if we're serious about having title ambitions that really wasn't good enough," he said. "I banned the post-match pub session last night and I need to put a stop to all this Billy Big-Bollocks stuff about the place. Some of my players have got a bit big for their Copas.

"There are too many big-time Charlies at Massive Nights at the minute who think they're better than what they really are.

"I mean, getting the keeper to take the penalty? Ridiculous. We have the best striker in the league (everyone says so) on the park and we go and do that. That summed up exactly what I'm talking about and it has to stop."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Donaldinho 2, Paul 2

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Kit, for a GCSE Sports Studies failure of a penalty attempt.

POTENTIAL BANANA SKIN?

MASSIVE Nights FC go into Sunday's clash with relegation-haunted Al Al Alan FC (TBGS, 5.30pm ko) knowing a win could propel them to the top of the league for the first time this season.

Winless Al Al Alan are rooted at the bottom of the table, having collected just three points so far this campaign.

And with Gaylaxy facing a tough examination at the hands of second-placed ABCDE FC, Nights are poised to take over at the summit.

Gaffer Will said mood in the Nights camp was buoyant after last week's victory over the league leaders.

"I don't want anyone getting complacent, but I'm looking for goals, goals and more goals this Sunday," said Gaffer Will. "I know we've got players who can stick the ball in the back of the net - well we've got one - so I'm looking to boost our 'goals for' column in a big way."

Sunday's results are here:

...and the latest table is here:

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH...

THEY call it the 'English Disease' - and just when the game thought it had all but rid itself of the scourge of football hooliganism, it has reared its ugly head at Massive Nights FC.

Police today announced they have launched an investigation after shameful scenes marred Nights' win over table-toppers LA Gaylaxy on Sunday.

Trouble flared behind the goal during the game, when an element within the Massive Nights supporters 'kicked off' on rival fans.



Police have issued a photograph of the man, known only as 'The General', who they believe is the leader of the so-called 'Massive Nights Mental Squad' hooligan gang, and who is believed to have instigated Sunday night's violence.

'The General'

A police spokesman said: "We're very keen to track this man down. We believe he was hell-bent on causing trouble from the minute he entered the ground. These sick-minded individuals don't go to watch the game, they are only there to cause trouble.

"He was heard to be singing 'you're going home in a Newton ambulance' shortly before the trouble started.

"We believe this man is the ringleader of a dangerous hooligan gang. One giveaway is that, like other hooligans, he doesn't wear club colours to the game but usually wears designer labels, such as Ralph Lauren Polo. And Calvin Klein pants, they're very popular with hooligans too - he will probably make a big thing about that."



Police recovered this 'calling card' from behind the goal

Gaffer Will was quick to condemn Massive Nights' hooligan element.

"These people are not wanted at Massive Nights FC," he said. "They bring nothing but shame on the club.



"After all, if we're going to have a hooligan outfit, we want a 'pwoper nawty' firm with CP goggle jackets or some decent Stone Island gear, not high street tat like Ralph Lauren that probably came out of TK Maxx. This lot are an embarassment - Danny Dyer's hardly going to make a documentary about them, is he?



"My advice to 'The General', whoever he is, and his crew, is 'jog on, soppy bollocks'. I think we need to get Donaldinho to bring some of his old mates from the Bristol City Ciderheads down so we can arrange an 'off' and see what the Mental Squad are made of. Those colours don't run."

WE'RE IN THE PINK!

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC have today unveiled their new home kit ahead of Sunday's clash with bottom-of-the-league Al Al Alan FC - and it looks as though everthing is coming up roses for the title favourites.

In a surprise move, Nights have ditched their traditional white strip and adopted stylish new pink shirts.

Pink rockers: Massive Nights' new home shirt

Gaffer Will dismissed suggestions the new pink jerseys could make Massive Nights look a bit gay.

"I don't think it's gay at all," he said. "I know it's a bit unexpected, and the truth is it wasn't really planned. What happened was, is that the chairman's missus has had a bit of a massive nightmare with the washing instructions and chucked the shorts, socks and shirts all in the machine together and it's come out all pink.

"I'm a bit disappointed with our kitman, Paul, to be fair. It's his responsibility and the least I would have expected is that he would have sent at least two texts detailing the exact laundry requirements. He obviously didn't, and I'll be having words." 

BREAKING THE LA LAW...

Sunday, October 2 2011

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...6
LA GAYLAXY...3

IT'S on. Massive Nights' title charge took a huge step forward with this stunning win against previously unbeaten league leaders LA Gaylaxy.

Nights had faced a traumatic week in the build-up to the big game, with keeper Kit hitting the headlines after his doughnut thievery escapades, Paul being sidelined with a poorly toe and ageing pin-up Darrell's dodgy back showing no sign of recovery.

If that wasn't enough, contract rebel Greavesy then went AWOL meaning Gaffer Will had to shuffle the pack again.

Feas took the keeper's gloves in the brown-booted one's absence, terrifying the opposition with his riot cop-style navy blue uniform, Big Callum turned up with his Copas (good lad) to make his debut and leading scorer Andy returned to the attack.

But the platform for the win was soccer bad boy Donaldinho's switch to defence, where he put in a performance reminiscent of Italian World Cup winner Fabio Cannavaro in his prime (before he went bald).

It's safe to assume that when The Don got home after the game and emptied his pockets, along with his keys, phone, loose change, lighter and Hamlets, he found the LA Gaylaxy centre forward still in there too.

But games aren't won by defenders. They are won by strikers, hitmen, goalgetters - the type of players who children worship, international supermodels seek to seduce and world leaders consult.

And Massive Nights have one. It took Andy just minutes to rock Gaylaxy's world, opening the scoring with a surgical left-foot strike.

Suddenly full of belief that their patched-up team could prevail, Nights poured forward and Will mis-kicked in a second.

Andy grabbed a stunning second, this time with his right foot - a fizzing, curling exocet of a shot which made Brazilian full back Josimar's goal against Pat Jennings' Northern Ireland in the 1986 World Cup look a bit Sunday League, to be fair.

Andy fires in his second of the night...

Vito added a non-descript fourth, and despite Feas' best efforts to allow Gaylaxy back into the game with a comedy roll-out Nights were 4-0 up at the break.

The second period was a different story as Nights conceded twice in quick succession while Will was off backing up his dad, who was trying to start a scrap with some kids.

But once the off-the-field violence subsided, Vito handballed in two more offside efforts to ensure the points were safe, despite Gaylaxy notching a third.

Gaffer Will was relieved to come through a testing week with Nights' title ambitions firmly on track.

"It's been a bit of a nightmare, to be honest," said the Massive Nights manager. "My biggest worry was losing Paul. After all, he brings something to the team that nobody else has got.

"But fortunately Big Andy was able to nip round his house and get the kit off him, so that was all fine in the end."

Massive Nights scorers: Vito 3, Andy 2, Will 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to: Two this week: Vito, for the least accurate shot in football history (and before anyone says anything, mine was a clearance okay); and Feas for claiming he didn't know the rules despite being a level one-qualified FA coach.