COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH...

THEY call it the 'English Disease' - and just when the game thought it had all but rid itself of the scourge of football hooliganism, it has reared its ugly head at Massive Nights FC.

Police today announced they have launched an investigation after shameful scenes marred Nights' win over table-toppers LA Gaylaxy on Sunday.

Trouble flared behind the goal during the game, when an element within the Massive Nights supporters 'kicked off' on rival fans.



Police have issued a photograph of the man, known only as 'The General', who they believe is the leader of the so-called 'Massive Nights Mental Squad' hooligan gang, and who is believed to have instigated Sunday night's violence.

'The General'

A police spokesman said: "We're very keen to track this man down. We believe he was hell-bent on causing trouble from the minute he entered the ground. These sick-minded individuals don't go to watch the game, they are only there to cause trouble.

"He was heard to be singing 'you're going home in a Newton ambulance' shortly before the trouble started.

"We believe this man is the ringleader of a dangerous hooligan gang. One giveaway is that, like other hooligans, he doesn't wear club colours to the game but usually wears designer labels, such as Ralph Lauren Polo. And Calvin Klein pants, they're very popular with hooligans too - he will probably make a big thing about that."



Police recovered this 'calling card' from behind the goal

Gaffer Will was quick to condemn Massive Nights' hooligan element.

"These people are not wanted at Massive Nights FC," he said. "They bring nothing but shame on the club.



"After all, if we're going to have a hooligan outfit, we want a 'pwoper nawty' firm with CP goggle jackets or some decent Stone Island gear, not high street tat like Ralph Lauren that probably came out of TK Maxx. This lot are an embarassment - Danny Dyer's hardly going to make a documentary about them, is he?



"My advice to 'The General', whoever he is, and his crew, is 'jog on, soppy bollocks'. I think we need to get Donaldinho to bring some of his old mates from the Bristol City Ciderheads down so we can arrange an 'off' and see what the Mental Squad are made of. Those colours don't run."