EASY PEASY LEMON VEASEY...

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...12 VEASEYREAL...1

With the big guns back in their ranks, Massive Nights FC blew away struggling VeaseyReal to stay joint top of the table on Sunday night.

Having given the stiffs a run out last week, Gaffer Will didn't hesitate to throw Nights' superstar duo straight back into action, as 30-goal-a-season striker Andy and soccer bad boy Donaldinho were both available after injury and largin' it respectively, while out-of-form utility man Hutch, the 70s TV detective, also earned a recall.

Out went Bosnian warlord Vito, on a short-term loan to B&Q, while Strictly Come Windy was tiptoeing round the tulips in spandex and fake tan somewhere, and Grandfather of Techno Paul's dreadful luck with injuries went on as he was once again ruled out, this time by a serious facial wound which the veteran midfielder fears could require plastic surgery.

Wounded in battle: Paul's shocking injury (*the graphic nature of this image may disturb some readers)

Subs rebels the brown-booted one and Young Lad completed the line-up, and with The General away at The Bridge with his Chelsea Headhuter cohorts and Will rocked by inaccurate tabloid rumours of his 'dalliance' with the wife of a former team-mate, the 30-goal-a-season chairman took charge of the side.

And the 30-goal-a-season striker led from the front, engineering hat-tricks not only for himself but also for Donaldinho, Will and Young Lad in a feat of goalscoring symmetry unmatched in the modern era. Only Hutch failed to trouble the scorers on another miserable night for the player who in a post-match interview admitted he was heading home to google images of cows' arses and banjos.

Young Lad notched the goal of the game, hammering home from a seemingly impossible angle to complete his treble (video below), while Kit the brown-booted shotstopper had the square root of f*** all to do until a calamitous defensive mix-up between Donaldinho and out-of-form utility man Hutch, who admitted in a post-match interview that he was heading home to google images of barn doors from five yards, allowed Veasey in for their consolation goal.

Gaffer Will was delighted afterwards, admitting that the chairman's role had been key in the victory. "I'm delighted," said the Justin Bieber fan. "We looked like we could be in trouble but the chairman pulled it all together just in time. It's an honour to play for him, and I'm not in the least bit surprised to hear that the Prime Minister has now asked him to help save the country, and the Eurozone, from economic collapse."



The Prime Minister has a good skeg at the Herald Express's new 'Page 3 Girls' feature before asking the chairman to save the country from financial meltdown

  Massive Nights scorers: Andy 3, Donaldinho 3, Tias 3, Will 3

The 'I had a Massive Nightmare' award goes to... The General - going awol in the club's hour of need, when the likes of Paul are prepared to shed blood for the cause.

* Massive Nights face a top-of-the-table showdown with Mean Machine on Sunday (TGGS, 5.30pm ko)

THE WARRIOR WORRIERS...

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...16 TORQUAY WARRIORS...1

Massive Nights surged to the top of the league with a narrow victory over early-eason pacesetters Torquay Warriors on Sunday night.

Despite fielding what was effectively a reserve side, Gaffer Will's troops edged past Warriors in a misfiring display and can consider themselves fortunate to come away with the points.

It was always going to be a struggle for Nights without their 30-goal-a-season striker Andy, who was said to have 'failed a late fitness test'. But with transfer deadline day just around the corner, internet forums were awash with rumours that the in-demand 30-goal-a-season striker could be on his way to the Premiership, with B&Q said to be leading the chase for the 30-goal-a-season striker.

With soccer bad boy Donaldinho also absent after failing to return from a night out sipping Babycham cocktails with Pans People in Tavistock's premier nite-spot, 70s TV detective Hutch on international duy with Wales and Robo-Feas possibly having to eat Yorkie bars while driving big trucks around, Grandfather of Techno Paul was handed a rare start alongside Strictly Come Windy, Young Lad, Bosnian Warlord Vito and the brown-booted one, who all joined Gaffer Will - sporting his new Justin Bieber haircut - in the side.

The General reacts to news that Paul has made the starting six

Nights started slowly and looked unlikely to come out on top until their travelling fans got behind them to create a bit of atmosphere. Buoyed by their fanatic support, and aided by the tactical advice coming from the terraces, Nights got on top with the Grandfather of Techno scuffing in a couple of shabby efforts before the floodgates opened. Young Lad led the charge with six unimpressive efforts, Croatian hitman Vito notched four times, all equally fortunate, Will handballed in a brace and Paul claimed two others that were actually own goals.

On a disappointing evening, the only bright spot for Nights was the performance of Kit the brown-booted shotstopper, whose outstanding skills and concentration levels were a beacon of hope for the whole club.

Mogwon: Kit shows off his ball skills

Despite being bored witless, cold and wet, he sprinkled a bit of stardust on proceedings with some staggering skills - dragbacks, Cruyff turns and double stepovers that would grace a Nike TV advert. If only all Nights players had his dedication and developed their own skills accordingly.

Gaffer Will was delighted with the win, if not the performance. He said: "I'm delighted with the win. I knew we would eventually break then down despite me having to pick from the stiffs. After all, I'm a Belieber.

Delighted: Gaffer Will

"The big guns will be back next week and we won't have to rely on kids and old men. Today was all about the result, and I think it's best to put it behind us and concentrate on next week."

Massive Nights scorers: Tias 6, Paul 4, Vito 4, Will 2

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Donaldinho - last season's joint player of the year (well, second place really) is still to get off the mark this season. Poor show from the Nights playboy.

THESE ARE THE DAYS FOR THE NIGHTS...

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...13 SD FC...6

MASSIVE Nights FC started the new season where they left off with a goals avalanche on their debut outing in the FIFA World Soccer Sixes Championship.

With a full-strength squad to choose from, Gaffer Will was confident of getting off to a good start in the higher league.

But, as ever, pre-match preparations were thrown into chaos when Kit the brown-booted shotstopper failed to arrive at the stadium in time for kick-off after his weekend at Butlines, which meant anorak-clad Bosnian warlord Vito had to don the gloves. 

And what a disaster that turned out to be, with Vito shipping four goals at a rate of one every thirty seconds to leave Nights reeling at 4-1 down.

But Nights fought back as Director of Football and hooligan outfit top boy The General exerted his authority from the technical area to bring some semblance of shape to the side.

Until The General's intervention Nights were in disarray, and 70s TV detective Hutch is likely to face internal disciplinary action after his show of petulance as he was substituted. TV replays showed the Nights star mouthed the words 'well that's not going to ****ing help, is it?' as the fourth official held up his number on the touchline. Club sources suggest he may face a fine and a spell training with the youth team.

But the changes paid off and the title favourites were soon level at 6-6 before taking the lead with one of the two goals of the game from The Chairman, whose Usain Bolt-like burst of pace left SD FC's portly, grey-haired libero - no slouch himself in the sprinting stakes - for dead before he hammered home to give the Nights who are Massive the lead for the first time.

The second half was a different story as Nights got to grips with the different style of play required at Championship level.

Grandfather of Techno Paul rolled back the years to put in a 'Classic Gold' performance, becoming the oldest player since Sir Stanley Matthews to score a hat-trick in competitive football.

SCHMOKIN!: Paul as he was portrayed on a Woodbines cigarette card in 1947 while turning out for Buckland Athletic Thirds

At the other end of the age scale, young lad Tias, who signed YTS forms during the close season after impressing at the back end of the previous campaign after being spotted by The General playing for First Starcross Cub Scouts at a 'Soccer Tots' fun day, put in a stunning performance, notching two stunners.

Hutch, having received the hairdryer treatment from The General, also bagged a brace and could have had a hat-trick had he not come up with the worst miss in the history of the game, somehow screwing the ball wide of the post with the goal at his mercy. He discredited himself.

Robo-Feas's no-nonsense style meant any momentum SD FC built up soon melted away as they had to chase across the other pitch to retrieve the ball after each and every 'clearance', while Gaffer Will and Strictly Come Windy bagged a brace each.

STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE: Donaldinho models his new underarmour

Any doubts over the outcome were washed away when the brown-booted one finally arrived to take over in nets, and he even brought a touch of showbiz to proceedings with some Grobelaar-esque dribbling and passing. Mogwon!

The only downside on the night was soccer bad boy Donaldinho's failure to notch. The ex-Bristol Manor Farm star, who picked up his third consecutive caution for Abbotskerswell on Saturday, put his wayward shooting down to the fact that he was completely sober at kick-off for the first time in weeks.

Gaffer Will was delighted to start life in the Championship with a win, and paid particular praise to Grandfather of Techno Paul , who leads the goalscoring charts after his opening day hat-trick.

"I'm delighted for Paul," said Will. "He's into single figures for the season already, which is great. What made it all the more rewarding is knowing how Paul had to fight back from serious injury just to get out on the park tonight. 

"When you look back at some of the great players whose careers have been tragically cut short by similar injuries, then you look at what Paul has gone through, it's enough to make you proud to be British. 

"That stubbed toe would have finished lesser men for good, but Paul's bulldog spirit brought him through the darkest of times and he got his rewards tonight."

Massive Nights scorers: Paul 3, Andy 2, Will 2, Tias 2, Hutch 2, Vito 2 

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Hutch. Backchatting The General and missing sitters at this level could hand him a one-way ticket back to League 1.

CHRISTMAS CRACKER...

Sunday, December 18 2011
Massive Nights FC...7 E FC...4

Champions Massive Nights FC finished the calendar year with their unbeaten record intact after a win over a much-improved E FC side on Sunday.

As usual, Gaffer Will's invincibles had the 20-goal-a-season chairman to thank for sealing the win as he notched his 27th and 28th goals of the campaign to set a new record for general aceness and accuracy of shooting. He could have had more were it not for the woodwork denying him twice from distance.

With Grandfather of Techno Paul out ruled out after an argument with an Ikea wardrobe, Robo-Feas on domestic duties, and 70s TV detective Hutch and Hollywood heartthrob Scrawny abandoning ship, Tias returned to action eager to pick up a few tips from his more experienced team-mates.

To be honest, there's no point in regaling the full story of the match. You basically know what happened: Bosnian Warlord Vito scuffed a couple in, the 20-goal-a-season Chairman unselfishly presented Will with two unmissable chances, Tias claimed one that probably should have gone to the 20-goal-a-season Chairman, and technical director and hooligan firm top boy The General oozed menace (and tried to start a chant of 'He's soft, he's a southerner' when news of Paul's injury filtered through) from the sidelines.

Brown-booted shot-stopper Kit walked the tightrope between genius and insanity as usual, and soccer bad boy Donaldinho put in a decent shift before heading off to some West End 'nitespot' in his E-Type to swig champagne with Page 3 Girls and light massive Cuban cigars with £50 notes.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finish the year on a high and was looking forward to the Christmas break. "Get down to Comet," he said. "Massive discounts on white goods! This Electrolux fridge-freezer... was £399, now just £299! And great deals on home entertainment! This Samsung 42-inch LED backlit HD-ready television... was £599, now just £475! Interest-free credit available, terms and conditions apply, not valid with any other offer, your home may be at risk if you fail to keep up repayments."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Will 2, Vito 2, Tias 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... As it's the season of peace and goodwill to all men, it seems only right to not dish out the award this week...
..
...
....
.....
......
.......but Bah Humbug, it's got to be Paul... on crutches after stubbing his toe??? It's a good job there's not a war on, that's all I can say.

Anyway, here's a chhhooooonnnn to put you all in a nice, happy (if not necessarily Christmassy) mood. Enjoy!!!

THERE'S A LITTLE 'P' AFTER OUR NAME...

Sunday, December 11 2011
Massive Nights FC...6 Torblaze...3

Massive Nights FC were promoted as champions without even kicking a ball on Sunday night.

LA Gaylaxy's shock 1-0 defeat at the hands of E FC handed the title to the league leaders ahead of their clash with Torblaze.

With the silverware already sealed, Gaffer Will's side once again opened slowly with Robo-Feas's operating system clearly set to a different time zone, and Torblaze stunned the newly-crowned champions by taking an early lead.

But fortunately for Massive Nights, 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was about his game and quickly levelled, winning the ball in midfield to feed Paul, before converting the Grandfather of Techno's wayward shot at the far post.

The 20-goal-a-season chairman completed a quickfire hat-trick with two individual goals in which Paul's inaccurate passing played no role whatsoever, before sealing the win by creating goals for soccer bad boy Donaldinho and Bosnian warlord Vito.

No-one else contributed much, apart from technical director and hooligan outfit top boy The General, who generated an air of menace on the touchline after his 'off' with Brixham United Under 10s' firm earlier in the day.

Nights now look to extend their unbeaten run against E FC on Sunday (TGGS, 5.30pm), and Gaffer Will has once again dipped into the transfer market to bolster his squad with an eye on next season's campaign in the higher division.

In a surprise move, Will swooped for former Libertines frontman Pete Doherty - explaining that he hoped the arrival of the legendary rock n' roll casualty would help Donaldinho find his best form.

Liber-team: The chairman welcomes Pete Doherty to Massive Nights

"Donaldinho is a legend," said the gaffer. "He has a lot of talent, and some say he's almost in George Best's class. But I think sometimes he finds it hard to apply himself and really practice hard. When he's on his game, there's not many who can get near him, but his form in that area has been erratic this season.

Gaffer Will is hoping Pete Doherty will help Donaldinho to return to form and take to the pitch on Sunday complete with Copa Mundials, a beer and a fag 

"I'm hoping having Pete around will help Donaldinho find his mojo again and get him back to top form... after all it's our Christmas party next week and I'm expecting a big performance from both of them."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 3, Vito 2, Donaldinho 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Will - late, grumpy and failing to fight off his dad's post-match banter...

ALRIGHT BAIZE?...

Massive Nights made it a hat-trick of celebrity signings this week by snapping up snooker legend Jimmy White on a pay-as-you-play deal.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finally snag 'The Whirlwind' after chasing him for months.

"Jimmy is a great signing for us," said Will. "We were at the front of the queue to sign him, and he's definitely in the frame for Sunday's game against Torblaze (TGGS, 6.50pm), although he's not the most athletic of lads and he'll probably need a long rest."

The chairman welcomes Jimmy 'The Whirlwind' White to Massive Nights FC

Will added: "I've always been a massive snooker fan - in fact only yesterday I went round to Vito's house for a couple of frames. Unfortunately, he couldn't find any of the red balls so we spent the afternoon potting the brown instead."

PLAYER OF THE MONTH...

Massive Nights FC claimed their first silverware of the season when 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was named FIFA's world player of the month for November.

The chairman scored shitloads of goals and was generally ace throughout the month to claim the honour ahead of Messi, Ronaldo and Hannah.

He was presented with his gong by annoying 'comedian' Michael McIntyre at a glittering awards ceremony in that London last night.

Unfortunately the chairman couldn't stay for long as he had to get back to Shepperton Studios where he is starring in the new James Bond movie.