THESE ARE THE DAYS FOR THE NIGHTS...

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22 2012

MASSIVE NIGHTS FC...13 SD FC...6

MASSIVE Nights FC started the new season where they left off with a goals avalanche on their debut outing in the FIFA World Soccer Sixes Championship.

With a full-strength squad to choose from, Gaffer Will was confident of getting off to a good start in the higher league.

But, as ever, pre-match preparations were thrown into chaos when Kit the brown-booted shotstopper failed to arrive at the stadium in time for kick-off after his weekend at Butlines, which meant anorak-clad Bosnian warlord Vito had to don the gloves. 

And what a disaster that turned out to be, with Vito shipping four goals at a rate of one every thirty seconds to leave Nights reeling at 4-1 down.

But Nights fought back as Director of Football and hooligan outfit top boy The General exerted his authority from the technical area to bring some semblance of shape to the side.

Until The General's intervention Nights were in disarray, and 70s TV detective Hutch is likely to face internal disciplinary action after his show of petulance as he was substituted. TV replays showed the Nights star mouthed the words 'well that's not going to ****ing help, is it?' as the fourth official held up his number on the touchline. Club sources suggest he may face a fine and a spell training with the youth team.

But the changes paid off and the title favourites were soon level at 6-6 before taking the lead with one of the two goals of the game from The Chairman, whose Usain Bolt-like burst of pace left SD FC's portly, grey-haired libero - no slouch himself in the sprinting stakes - for dead before he hammered home to give the Nights who are Massive the lead for the first time.

The second half was a different story as Nights got to grips with the different style of play required at Championship level.

Grandfather of Techno Paul rolled back the years to put in a 'Classic Gold' performance, becoming the oldest player since Sir Stanley Matthews to score a hat-trick in competitive football.

SCHMOKIN!: Paul as he was portrayed on a Woodbines cigarette card in 1947 while turning out for Buckland Athletic Thirds

At the other end of the age scale, young lad Tias, who signed YTS forms during the close season after impressing at the back end of the previous campaign after being spotted by The General playing for First Starcross Cub Scouts at a 'Soccer Tots' fun day, put in a stunning performance, notching two stunners.

Hutch, having received the hairdryer treatment from The General, also bagged a brace and could have had a hat-trick had he not come up with the worst miss in the history of the game, somehow screwing the ball wide of the post with the goal at his mercy. He discredited himself.

Robo-Feas's no-nonsense style meant any momentum SD FC built up soon melted away as they had to chase across the other pitch to retrieve the ball after each and every 'clearance', while Gaffer Will and Strictly Come Windy bagged a brace each.

STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE: Donaldinho models his new underarmour

Any doubts over the outcome were washed away when the brown-booted one finally arrived to take over in nets, and he even brought a touch of showbiz to proceedings with some Grobelaar-esque dribbling and passing. Mogwon!

The only downside on the night was soccer bad boy Donaldinho's failure to notch. The ex-Bristol Manor Farm star, who picked up his third consecutive caution for Abbotskerswell on Saturday, put his wayward shooting down to the fact that he was completely sober at kick-off for the first time in weeks.

Gaffer Will was delighted to start life in the Championship with a win, and paid particular praise to Grandfather of Techno Paul , who leads the goalscoring charts after his opening day hat-trick.

"I'm delighted for Paul," said Will. "He's into single figures for the season already, which is great. What made it all the more rewarding is knowing how Paul had to fight back from serious injury just to get out on the park tonight. 

"When you look back at some of the great players whose careers have been tragically cut short by similar injuries, then you look at what Paul has gone through, it's enough to make you proud to be British. 

"That stubbed toe would have finished lesser men for good, but Paul's bulldog spirit brought him through the darkest of times and he got his rewards tonight."

Massive Nights scorers: Paul 3, Andy 2, Will 2, Tias 2, Hutch 2, Vito 2 

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Hutch. Backchatting The General and missing sitters at this level could hand him a one-way ticket back to League 1.