CHRISTMAS CRACKER...

Sunday, December 18 2011
Massive Nights FC...7 E FC...4

Champions Massive Nights FC finished the calendar year with their unbeaten record intact after a win over a much-improved E FC side on Sunday.

As usual, Gaffer Will's invincibles had the 20-goal-a-season chairman to thank for sealing the win as he notched his 27th and 28th goals of the campaign to set a new record for general aceness and accuracy of shooting. He could have had more were it not for the woodwork denying him twice from distance.

With Grandfather of Techno Paul out ruled out after an argument with an Ikea wardrobe, Robo-Feas on domestic duties, and 70s TV detective Hutch and Hollywood heartthrob Scrawny abandoning ship, Tias returned to action eager to pick up a few tips from his more experienced team-mates.

To be honest, there's no point in regaling the full story of the match. You basically know what happened: Bosnian Warlord Vito scuffed a couple in, the 20-goal-a-season Chairman unselfishly presented Will with two unmissable chances, Tias claimed one that probably should have gone to the 20-goal-a-season Chairman, and technical director and hooligan firm top boy The General oozed menace (and tried to start a chant of 'He's soft, he's a southerner' when news of Paul's injury filtered through) from the sidelines.

Brown-booted shot-stopper Kit walked the tightrope between genius and insanity as usual, and soccer bad boy Donaldinho put in a decent shift before heading off to some West End 'nitespot' in his E-Type to swig champagne with Page 3 Girls and light massive Cuban cigars with £50 notes.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finish the year on a high and was looking forward to the Christmas break. "Get down to Comet," he said. "Massive discounts on white goods! This Electrolux fridge-freezer... was £399, now just £299! And great deals on home entertainment! This Samsung 42-inch LED backlit HD-ready television... was £599, now just £475! Interest-free credit available, terms and conditions apply, not valid with any other offer, your home may be at risk if you fail to keep up repayments."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Will 2, Vito 2, Tias 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... As it's the season of peace and goodwill to all men, it seems only right to not dish out the award this week...
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.......but Bah Humbug, it's got to be Paul... on crutches after stubbing his toe??? It's a good job there's not a war on, that's all I can say.

Anyway, here's a chhhooooonnnn to put you all in a nice, happy (if not necessarily Christmassy) mood. Enjoy!!!

THERE'S A LITTLE 'P' AFTER OUR NAME...

Sunday, December 11 2011
Massive Nights FC...6 Torblaze...3

Massive Nights FC were promoted as champions without even kicking a ball on Sunday night.

LA Gaylaxy's shock 1-0 defeat at the hands of E FC handed the title to the league leaders ahead of their clash with Torblaze.

With the silverware already sealed, Gaffer Will's side once again opened slowly with Robo-Feas's operating system clearly set to a different time zone, and Torblaze stunned the newly-crowned champions by taking an early lead.

But fortunately for Massive Nights, 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was about his game and quickly levelled, winning the ball in midfield to feed Paul, before converting the Grandfather of Techno's wayward shot at the far post.

The 20-goal-a-season chairman completed a quickfire hat-trick with two individual goals in which Paul's inaccurate passing played no role whatsoever, before sealing the win by creating goals for soccer bad boy Donaldinho and Bosnian warlord Vito.

No-one else contributed much, apart from technical director and hooligan outfit top boy The General, who generated an air of menace on the touchline after his 'off' with Brixham United Under 10s' firm earlier in the day.

Nights now look to extend their unbeaten run against E FC on Sunday (TGGS, 5.30pm), and Gaffer Will has once again dipped into the transfer market to bolster his squad with an eye on next season's campaign in the higher division.

In a surprise move, Will swooped for former Libertines frontman Pete Doherty - explaining that he hoped the arrival of the legendary rock n' roll casualty would help Donaldinho find his best form.

Liber-team: The chairman welcomes Pete Doherty to Massive Nights

"Donaldinho is a legend," said the gaffer. "He has a lot of talent, and some say he's almost in George Best's class. But I think sometimes he finds it hard to apply himself and really practice hard. When he's on his game, there's not many who can get near him, but his form in that area has been erratic this season.

Gaffer Will is hoping Pete Doherty will help Donaldinho to return to form and take to the pitch on Sunday complete with Copa Mundials, a beer and a fag 

"I'm hoping having Pete around will help Donaldinho find his mojo again and get him back to top form... after all it's our Christmas party next week and I'm expecting a big performance from both of them."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 3, Vito 2, Donaldinho 1

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Will - late, grumpy and failing to fight off his dad's post-match banter...

ALRIGHT BAIZE?...

Massive Nights made it a hat-trick of celebrity signings this week by snapping up snooker legend Jimmy White on a pay-as-you-play deal.

Gaffer Will was delighted to finally snag 'The Whirlwind' after chasing him for months.

"Jimmy is a great signing for us," said Will. "We were at the front of the queue to sign him, and he's definitely in the frame for Sunday's game against Torblaze (TGGS, 6.50pm), although he's not the most athletic of lads and he'll probably need a long rest."

The chairman welcomes Jimmy 'The Whirlwind' White to Massive Nights FC

Will added: "I've always been a massive snooker fan - in fact only yesterday I went round to Vito's house for a couple of frames. Unfortunately, he couldn't find any of the red balls so we spent the afternoon potting the brown instead."

PLAYER OF THE MONTH...

Massive Nights FC claimed their first silverware of the season when 20-goal-a-season striker Andy was named FIFA's world player of the month for November.

The chairman scored shitloads of goals and was generally ace throughout the month to claim the honour ahead of Messi, Ronaldo and Hannah.

He was presented with his gong by annoying 'comedian' Michael McIntyre at a glittering awards ceremony in that London last night.

Unfortunately the chairman couldn't stay for long as he had to get back to Shepperton Studios where he is starring in the new James Bond movie.

KIT GOES TO BUTLINS...

Kit goes to Butlins
by: the chairman

NIGHTS' GOLDEN GIRL...

Massive Nights FC have dipped into the transfer market once again to sign Olympic gold medal-winning 400m hurdler Sally Gunnell on a free transfer.

Gaffer Will promised to ring the changes on the back of Sunday's disappointing 15-0 win over Torbay Warriors and he has been true to his word with his second celebrity signing in two days.

GUNN-FIGHT: The chairman welcomes Sally Gunnell to Massive Nights FC

"Sally's a great signing," said Will. "I've heard she made her name at Barcelona in the 1992 season, so she must be good. It wasn't easy to persuade her to come to Massive Nights FC, in fact there were a lot of hurdles to overcome. Reh!"

Gunnell joins ex-Beautiful South songsmith Paul Heaton in the squad for Sunday's clash against Torblaze (TGGS, 6.50pm).

WE LOVE HIM FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR PENCIL CASES...

Massive Nights FC have wasted no time in bolstering their squad after a performance deemed 'completely unacceptable' by Gaffer Will following the 15-0 win over basement boys Torbay Warriors last night (match report to follow).

Making use of the chairman's celebrity contacts, Massive Nights have swooped for former Housemartins and Beautiful South frontman Paul Heaton.

Dotted line: Paul Heaton signs a long-term contract with Massive Nights watched by the chairman

"I thought we were terrible last night," said Will. "We should have had at least 30 and if players aren't going to follow my instructions and get the ball in to our 20-goal-a-season striker Big Andy as per the gameplan, then they'll be out and I'll bring new faces in.

"Paul is a great signing for us. He was a prolific goalscorer for Cavalier Club in the Hull Sunday League - although obviously we've already got a prolific striker so I see him playing in a more defensive role - and he's got a nice line in jackets and bittersweet, twee pop songs so it's certainly 'Happy Hour' for Massive Nights today! Heh!"

AN INTERVIEW WITH KIT THE BROWN-BOOTED SHOTSTOPPER...

Ahead of Sunday's clash with Torbay Warriors (TGGS, 6.50pm ko) Geezers Raving caught up with Massive Nights star and goalkeeping legend Kit the Brown-Booted Shotstopper.

In the first of a series of player profiles. we wanted to give fans an insight into what makes the league's top custodian tick.

Geezers Raving: Hello Kit, what are you up to today?

Kit: Chillin when you get Nasri Ribery Nilmar and Pique in one ultimate team pack

GR: Sounds good. Are you looking forward to Christmas?

K: I haven't got an advent calender based on the fact I'm not a rasclart

GR: We hear you're an animal lover. Is that right?

K: My dogs they don't wear no muzzle, my dogs they just tear through musclee. Pass my zoot

GR: As a role model for young Massive Nights fans, do you pay a lot of attention to the way you look?

K: I like the way my hair has fallen today, its not so much an afro but an orange curly hat

GR: Interesting. Any other fashion observations?

K: Just drove past exeter college, unreasonable amount of baige chinos

GR: How do you deal with the physical demands of training and playing at such a high level?

K: Popper burrr energy drinks at work on a gurny one now

GR: So as a top-class athlete we suppose you have to follow strict nutrition advice and 'refuel' correctly?

K: I love pizza

GR: What's you reaction to the news that Steve Bruce has become the first Premiership manager to be sacked this season?

K: Me and Bruce have created a monster we intend too slay, TWDUP

GR: We understand you are a staunch supporter of our armed forces and paid your own tribute to the fallen on Remembrance Sunday. Is that right?

K: ‎11-11-11, Inheritance Skyrim and a Tribute to the mans who kept our country on a ting, safe safe guys, decent day

GR: Anything you'd like to ask us?

K: Who's this bird everyones talking about and has she got her gammon out? If so why?

* These are all genuine Facebook status updates made by Kit. He's a genius and we love him... 

THERE ARE NO PUNS CONTAINING THE FIGURE 22...

Sunday, November 27, 2011
Massive Nights FC...7 Al Al Alan FC...1

Massive Nights FC maintained their five-point lead at the top of the league with a stunning second-half performance to see off basement side Al Al Alan FC on Sunday night.

Once again, piss-poor pre-match preparation did nothing to help Massive Nights' cause, with the team bus only arriving at TGGS 10 minutes before kick-off, leaving Gaffer Will throwing teacups in frustration at the off-field problems which continuously threaten to detrail his side's title charge.

Will named himself in a the squad, which featured overseas signing Tias, a product of Borussia Munchengladbach's youth system, on the bench in the absence of Clark Gable looky-likey Scrawny and Bosnian Warlord Vito, who had gone pole dancing or summat.

Things went from bad to worse for the Nights who are Massive in the opening stages, when Al Al Alan FC took an early lead, San Marino v England-stylee, when Kit the Brown-Booted Shotstopper suffered another head-in-hands moment to gift the strugglers an unlikely lead.

Nights were soon back on level terms when Will poked in a scruffy equaliser, and only a goalkeeping display of breathtaking and staggering brilliance prevented 20-goal-a-season striker Andy from extending the lead, the chairman hitting the target on a regular basis only to be denied by Al Al Alan FC's world-class glovesman. On any other day, they would have been goals. Everyone said so.

With the half-time scoreline standing at 1-1 and Al Al Alan FC sniffing the chance of an upset, it was time for The General, Massive Nights' technical director and hooligan firm 'top boy', to take charge and subtley tweak the side's set-up

And his experience paid dividends, with Nights a different side after the break, with only Robo-Feas, returning to action in a no-nonsense defensive role, and Grandfather of Techno Paul failing to get on the scoresheet.

Soccer bad boy Donaldinho, 70s crimefighter Hutch and Tias all notched unmemorable efforts before what had been a mundane affair was instantly elevated to classic status when 20-goal-a-season striker Andy bagged his 21st of the season with a quite astonishing finish.

Latching on to Hutch's overhit through-ball down the right channel, and under pressure from the unrushing world-class keeper and two Premiership-quality defenders, the 20-goal-a-season striker conjured an outrageous flick with the outside of his Copa Mundial to steer the ball into the far corner, sparking delirious scenes on the Nights bench and in the crowd.

The 20-goal-a-season chairman's work was not yet done - first he tee'd up Hutch for his second, which he almost contrived to miss by hitting the crossbar and both posts before the ball finally trickled over the line, and then the 20-goal-a-season striker grabbed his 22nd of the campaign, niftily steering in a shot from Tias which was going well wide to complete the rout.

Gaffer Will had mixed emotions after the game. "Obviously I'm pleased with the win," he said, "but I feel sorry for Paul. He was keen to do well tonight against Al Al Alan FC after his loan move to them fell through when they decided he was no better than what they already had. I was a bit surprised at that, because I'd have said he's better than the bloke with the moustache at least.

"And I think anyone would have said after his 40-yard toe-poke last week that he was nailed on for goal of the season, but obviously after 20-goal-a-season striker Andy's worldy tonight, he's not going to win that. But he's a good lad and he'll bounce back.

Robbed: Paul realises he won't be winning goal of the season after all

Will added: "And I have to say I'm a bit disappointed with all the lads this week. We absolutely have to take our chances... and despite the fact that we were on an early kick-off not one person managed to get to the pub afterwards for a pint, which is a very poor show in my book. I'm not happy and I'll be having words."

Massive Nights scorers: Andy 2, Hutch 2, Will, Donaldinho, Tias

The 'I had a Massive Night-mare' award goes to... Donaldinho - when the leader of Massive Nights' drinking faction crys off the pub, there can be only one winner. Remember lads, 'win draw or lose... we're on the booze!'