WE LOVE HIM FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR PENCIL CASES...

Massive Nights FC have wasted no time in bolstering their squad after a performance deemed 'completely unacceptable' by Gaffer Will following the 15-0 win over basement boys Torbay Warriors last night (match report to follow).

Making use of the chairman's celebrity contacts, Massive Nights have swooped for former Housemartins and Beautiful South frontman Paul Heaton.

Dotted line: Paul Heaton signs a long-term contract with Massive Nights watched by the chairman

"I thought we were terrible last night," said Will. "We should have had at least 30 and if players aren't going to follow my instructions and get the ball in to our 20-goal-a-season striker Big Andy as per the gameplan, then they'll be out and I'll bring new faces in.

"Paul is a great signing for us. He was a prolific goalscorer for Cavalier Club in the Hull Sunday League - although obviously we've already got a prolific striker so I see him playing in a more defensive role - and he's got a nice line in jackets and bittersweet, twee pop songs so it's certainly 'Happy Hour' for Massive Nights today! Heh!"